I think you need to be very objective when you start in a new relationship. You need to realize that is this the point where that other person is showing you their best effort. If their best effort fails to meet your needs you need to move on quickly. For example do they forget to call you when they say they will? Everyone works and sometimes gets busy, but when they consistently forget to call you, do you think it will get any better? It won’t, they suddenly won’t have a revalation one day and begin to call you all of the time.

Are they sometimes hot and sometime cold towards you? We all want someone that is consistent, they may not be behave exactly like we want, but we shouldn’t be surprised in the way they want to be close and then suddenly distance themselves from us. If they are wishy washy, we need to set them to the curb and get off that potential emotional roller coaster.

The time to decide whether a relationship should move forward or stop moving forward is early on. Are you being treated like you want to be? Are your needs for closeness being met? If they are not, move on. You don’t owe that person a lengthly explanation, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to let another person drag you down.

Often growing past a relationship means taking an inventory of what brough you into this relationship, and what brought you out of the relationship. Relationships with people that are toxic are more difficult in doing this inventory of what went wrong. When we are involved with someone that is toxic we often change what our natural ways of reacting are in relation to that other person.

So what do you do? Honestly, the best thing you can do is to forgive yourself, chances are you were doing the best that you could, and you made your decisions to stay within that relationship maybe longer than you should have. Forgiveness doesn’t need to involve that other person, you really never need to interact with someone that is toxic again, you simply much move forward with yourself.

Forgive yourself often, and for each thing you thought might have led you into that particular relationship. This is the only way you can ever really move past a bad relationship in your life. Simply forgive yourself and move forward and ontward into better relationships in the future.

Epp suggests that we don’t get too involved too soon. He does this on a couple of different levels. Suggesting that 3 months is far too soon to make any serious kind of decision when it comes to where to go in a relationship meaning marriage, moving in together, or any other life changing decision. Within three months both parties are still on good behavior and not showing their true self. Within a year you will see patterns emerge, and by the end of two years the tone has been set for the relationship, and you will know how you two work together.

Another aspect of the relationship and moving too fast was his breakdown of trust, intimacy, and commitment. He clearly states not too move to far into one of these three areas, and leave the other two behind. This creates a warped relationship, and this will leave to many problems. If relationships become too intimate too quickly this may leave one partner thinking they have a serious commitment of the other person, and they do not have a serious commitment at all.

Another one of my favorite chapters of the book has to deal with how someone treats others; this could mean the waitress, their mother, their best friend. When you read advice sites everyone says this, but no one explains why this works. People tend to behave in certain patterns. Arguments, happy moments, we all tend to behave in certain ways. For example perhaps someone needs to sulk a bit before they will engage in an argument, or perhaps name calling is the norm for them. The person involved will have tough moments with you, and he will behave at his best and his worst with you. You need to be able to handle this person’s worst moments.

This information is in just a few of the book’s chapters. As you can see the book is packed with advice that is practical. Many dating advice books are often a couple of trite sayings here and there, and thrown together in a book. John Van Epp far exceeds dating book expectations and gives a book that you can pick up and read many times, gaining a new perspective.

Great Expectations
Summary: Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? Psychologists provide insight into how the never-ending search for ideal love can keep you from enjoying a marriage or a healthy relationship that you already have.

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3300.html

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Stephanie

I held on to an unhealthy relationship for 7 years before I came to the realization that it was not worth it for me to hang on any longer. The first year was the good year and the rest were off and on, and filled with disrespect, dishonesty, and emotional abuse. I held on because we had one thing in common, and I thought it was enough to make a future. I honestly believed we loved each other, and that in the end we would marry. I was wrong, and once I began to experience real love I realized that for years I had held on to an empty dream.

The term “unhealthy relationship” is thrown around so often by so many, that I feel compelled to explain what I mean by this term. I mean consistent destructive, abusive, disrespectful, unsupportive, uncaring, and demoralizing behavior. I mean the kind of deeds that make you feel anxious to take your partner around your friends and family, for fear of humiliation or embarrassment. I mean constant withdrawal and abandonment, and loveless actions and responses.

What happens in an unhealthy relationship is not to be confused with the constant minor annoyances within a healthy relationship. Nor the brief phases that partners go through, which make them seem distance. There are aspects of love that do cause minor hurts and aggravations, but may not warrant leaving a gratifying relationship. We may not like it or even admit it, but love can hurt. We are imperfect beings, so we tend to have personality issues, which we bring into every relationship we have with other imperfect beings. The result is often minor bickering, power struggles, and hurt feelings. However, mature adults who see value in their relationships talk over these problems and eventually work them out. They usually become closer and develop a keen sense of understanding.

There is a difference between an unhealthy relationship and a healthy relationship with normal human clashing. If you are unsure of the kind of relationship or friendship you are in, evaluate it, and pray for discernment. Ask yourself these few questions:

Does this person have my best interest at heart more often than not?
Does this person have positive things to say to me more often than not?
Am I proud to have others see my relationship with this person?
Does this person forgive me easily when I mess up?
Does this person show me genuine love?
Do I feel valued in this relationship?
Do I smile and laugh when I am with this person?
Am I supported in this relationship even when I am silly, angry, unhappy, insecure, or sad?
Do I feel free to be myself around this person?
Would others think this person abuses me?

If you find that you are in a relationship or a friendship that is not healthy for you, don’t be afraid to move on. Don’t think you can change the other person, just go. To linger longer than you should will only drain you and could possibly make you bitter. Refuse to be used, abused, hurt, misunderstood, and degraded. Know that something or someone better is out there for you.

If you find that your relationships and friendships are fulfilling, but have small issues, keep working at it. Keep talking it out, and keep being honest and open. We all have issues to work through, and as a result experience relationship struggles. We can work it out if we keep working at it.

Brooke Brimm has a Master’s degree in Professional Counseling and 8 years experience working in the field of Human Science. She has been married since 1993 and has two beautiful daughters. Ms. Brimm is the author of an ezine, Loves Gumbo. Contact her at lovesgumbo@comcast.net to join.

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