Q: The woman I am dating is very confusing. She will promise to do something and I believe she really means it, and then goes out and either does not do what she promised and/or does the opposite.

This is starting to drive me nuts, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Can you help?

A: One of the main principles that has helped me through all of these years of working with people is this:

“Does the person’s behavior match their words?”

If the behavior of a person matches the words of the person, then there are grounds for trusting this person. If the behavior does not match the words, consistently over time, then those are strong grounds for not trusting someone.

If you are dating someone who consistently says one thing and then does another, this is a major red flag. Warning bells should be going off.

There is a word for consistently saying one thing and doing another.

It’s called lying.

The key phrase here is “consistent over time.” Most folks who say one thing, but do something else are also gifted at making excuses — another reason not to trust them. If you do not and cannot trust someone, what do you really have, besides potential heartache?

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more tips and tools for living the life you love with the love of your life.

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So often in the bloom of a new romance we set aside a few “minor” character flaws to let the relationship continue, where sometimes we really should just end it early, and cut our losses. I’ll make a list of a few of the ones that often come up. Unfortunately, individuals that have these red flags are often the most charismatic people in the room. So be careful when you are starting out, so you can disengage before you are too involved.

1. Do they make all of the decisions for you? They chose where to go, what to eat, who you will be with?
2. Must they know where you are all of the time? Are the calling too often to check up on you? Are they calling you eleven times in an hour because you couldn’t get to the phone? (Calling that often isn’t cute, it’s controlling.)
3. Do they force themselves sexually too early in the relationship? Are they pushing for intimacy too early? Are the pushing you in other intimate areas you do not want to go.
4. Do they lie? If they lie about minor details, they will lie about more, later on. This will happen. It is one thing to lie about small social things, lies about marriages, children, jobs, housing, finances, and past experiences is not acceptable.
5. Are they physically aggressive? Are they mean to your pets or other small animals? Do they hit the walls?
6. Are they kind to other people? Do the run down other people? Stay away if they fail these tests. You will be their subject when you are not in earshot. Maybe not today, but one day, this will happen.
7. Are they putting you down in private or public? We build up people we love; we do not tear them down.
8. Do they want you to slow down other social contacts and be with them instead of others in your social circle?
9. Do they forget important details in your life, or interests that you really hold near and special to you? If they gloss over them, they really think more of themselves than you.
10. Do they fail to acknowledge your areas of expertise? Are you a fantastic cook and they won’t let you cook?

This is really a short list, listen to your gut, your natural instinct, if something feels funny, stop and evaluate it honestly. Ask yourself if your close friend was describing these events and what they would do. If it sounds odd what you’re telling your friend, guess what, it is odd. End the new relationship while it is early, before you give that person your heart.

The focus of many of the last few articles has been on what is does a dangerous person look like, who you should avoid, but did you know that we all have personal red flags available if we just listen to them. Red Flags are signals that we all have, although they may differ just slightly. For some of us they are internal mental grumblings, for others of us it a sinking feeling you get inside, and for some when our bodies are really giving a message it is giving us a physical signs.

We all know that red flags are clues that our body sends up when one of our boundaries is being violated. Remember boundaries, are physical, spiritual, and emotional limits that we all have. These boundaries are there as warning signs that someone is encroaching too far into our personal territory. Thankfully our bodies send us signals to help us out with these. Here is a list and it’s not meant to be comprehensive, but this should give you a good idea of what your boundaries may be.

A sinking feeling when you see, or hear from that other person.
Feeling anxious when you disconnect with the other person.
A nervous feeling around someone all of the time.
Walking away with grumblings or a private mental conversation with you.
Your pulse quickens when you have interactions with the other person.
You dread seeing them, taking phone calls from them, or other contact.
You walk away feeling like there is something wrong and you can not put your finger on it.
The other person intentionally says things to put you down, in private or in a group of other people.
The other person makes jokes at your expense, in private or in a group of other people.
The other person says things that are overly harsh, and tells you, they are just trying to help you out
You always have doubt about a relationship, but can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong.
The other person only has one sided conversations, you are really there just to listen.
The other person can not exhibit emotional responses when they should.
You feel like this person drains you after connection with them.
Does this person try to make you feel guilty?
Are you made to feel less well about yourself?

These are just a few of red flags that my crop up in dealing with someone. Now, keep in mind these are things are warning signs that should be investigated further. So often we shut down these signals because we think we need to be polite, caring, or otherwise give of yourself because it’s the right thing to do. From a cultural perspective that may be the correct thing to do, but is it? These can be applied in non-romantic relationships as well. So pay attention when your body is trying to tell you something. Think and take advantage of the wonderful built in warning system that we all have.

When you are dating you try to keep from a dangerous man. What do they look like? Why is when you are dating people that some guys just manage to slip through the cracks before revealing their true colors? What are they looking for in a woman? What can you do to protect yourself from a dangerous man?

One of the first things to realize is that dangerous men, look just like regular men. They do not wear black like he villains in movies. Chances are you can not pick him out in casual contact in the street. Keep in mind that Ted Bundy, one of our century’s most notorious serial killers was an attractive man. They blend in with the rest of society, but under the surface they are dangerous men.

What makes a man so dangerous? These men will stop at nothing to get from you what they need. They will lie, cheat, steal, demean, and abuse you. You cannot reform these men, nor make them into what you want. You are not a person to them, you are an object, and object that may satisfy their desires, not yours. They will forage a relationship simply to get what they need.

Some of these men are ego centric only needing your input on how they look, what wonderful things you think about them, and how you may worship them. These men will toss you aside, because the adoration that you give to them will never be enough. They do this through being cunning, clever, and offering you what they think you want in a man. Some of these men need attention in ways their mothers should have fawned over them as children. Others, need for you to take care of them, this can be physically, emotionally, and yes, even financially. Look at these relationships with outside eyes, if your girlfriend was telling you about one of these men, what would you think?

Protect yourself, by moving slowly in relationships. While these men are dangerous, they are cunning. They can put on a show that will fool most, into believing what wonderful people they are. Watch how they treat others, is it how you want to be treated? Do they have family members they are close or do they have any friends? Watch out for men that are loaners, often they are loaners through their own personal choices. Verify facts where you can, look for inconsistencies.

You have to protect yourself from dangerous men. They look, and smell just like regular ones. You must watch out for the manipulative men, and protect yourself closely. Watch for what they say, and what they do. Look to see if they have a normal social life, and look to see if they were always the victim. Give these men the high road before you become seriously involved with them, so you they do in infiltrate them into your life. Dangerous men can be difficult to remove when they realize you will feed their needs. Keep your eyes open, and watch for unhealthy behaviors, and when you do see them, think about them carefully, before continuing a relationship.

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. Often relationships start out wonderfully and turn sour while dating. You should invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.
1. Physical Abuse – physical abuse should always be a deal breaker. Early signals may be extremely rough play where you end up bruised. Other early signs are pushing, shoving, or playfully hitting you too hard. These are signs that he is physically aggressive and doesn’t mind hurting you.
2. Emotional/Verbal Abuse – name calling (no, we aren’t talking about terms of endearment) such as you’re a fat slob, you’re ugly, or anything that doesn’t promote good will is inexcusable. If such terms are being used towards you, drop that person, they do not respect you. Having that person say that they didn’t mean it, or they were joking isn’t an acceptable excuse.
3. Emotional Rollercoaster’s – avoid people who love you one day, and want to break things off the next day. This person is unstable, and will only continue this cycle as your relationship continues. A person who does articulate mixed messages isn’t emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
4. Lying – you deserve to be in a relationship with a person who will tell you the truth. Avoid anyone who tells outright lies. If they will lie about small things, they will lie about larger things. A person that loves you will respect and not lie to you.
5. Inaccessible – They will not give out phone numbers, address, or employment information. Someone who is not willing to give you a way to contact them is trying to hide from someone. Perhaps they will only give out their cell phone number and nothing else. Perhaps they will only allow you to call at certain times, and not at others. All of these are warning signs that they are trying to keep themselves separate from you.
6. Too Controlling – your partner is overly concerned about activities that you do when you are away from them. They need to know where you are at all times, they may call you several times a day while you are out checking up on you. Be cautious if someone must know where you are at every waking moment, and needs to constantly check up on you. They may need to do this simply because they are insecure, or they may be seeing someone else, and want to verify that you aren’t going to infringe upon that other relationship.
7. You’re the one trying to work on the relationship – if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keeps the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can’t pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn’t interested in you enough to make the effort.
8. How do they treat others? Does your partner treat other people well? Do they treat servers in restaurants with respect? Do they speak nicely to their own family? Do they talk badly about their friends behind their backs? Remember, the person you are with will eventually treat you like they do everyone else.

These are general warning signs. You may have your own must haves that a potential partner must meet to be in a relationship with you. Make sure you move slow enough to see these warning signals before you fully engage your heart. Above all you deserve a stable relationship with someone that you respect, and that other person respects you. If you must question yourself, ask yourself this, if a friend of yours was relating some of these red flags to you, what would you say? If you would tell your friend its time to move on, move on to someone that will give you the relationship that you desire.