Before I start with 2008, I should start with the events that started the whole year. In November, Michael had taken a position with Whirlpool in Benton Harbor, MI. We talked about our future and decided to get married. That meant a couple of options, me moving up there, him continuing to look for work in Houston, or there was another job possibility in Boston that he was exploring. I had decided to look for work in Benton Harbor; this really meant two choices, either Whirlpool, or Leco. I am a financial analyst by trade.

In December Michael moves, he calls most every night chatting with me for an hour or two each night. I score not one, but two job interviews in late December. I didn’t get the job at Whirlpool, but they like me, and pass along my name, and the other interview I am still up for a follow up interview.

We fly back to Houston in his plane, and we celebrate a short Christmas together, it was nice. For New Years, I fly up to Newark, as he does. We spend a few days together for New Years. Towards the end of January I have a second interview at Penske, and then for another job at Whirlpool. I hear that Whirlpool wants to hire me. Yes!

So Michael and I begin to look at houses and rule out things that we don’t like, and things that aren’t overly offensive to either of us. Between both of our specifications we end up with a couple of choices. He puts in an offer on a smallish house on 22 acres complete with a spring, and a fairly large garage. We don’t get this house, because our offer isn’t accepted. We put a bid on another house, and after much wrangling we get the house at the price Michael declared it was worth.

Thankfully between Whirlpool and Michael most everything gets taken care of. I get my car moved up there, and my house stuff gets moved up there too. I drive up to Little Rock Arkansas with 3 cats and a dog for him to pick me up. We quickly get settled into the house; Michael has us unpack everything in a couple of weeks. We saved many boxes to have a big bon fire on July 4th.

Living up there was something that I found difficult. The weather was very cold. One of my cats would hide in a place between the basement ceiling and the upstairs floor. We planted a garden, potatoes, asparagus, tomatoes and all sorts of things. In May we take a quick trip to Las Vegas, and have a fantastic time. I can look at pictures of that time and see we are both very happy.

We go to his parents and have his 40th b-day party. He has a fantastic time. He was joyful, and we had a terrific time in New York City taking a bus tour. We found a dumpling shop down an alley, and had fantastic dumplings and soup. Michael really liked out of the way places to eat, and this one fit the bill. We went grocery shopping and in between the Russian store and the Asian store we filled the plane will all sorts of food. There was only enough room for us and the dog when we flew back to Benton Harbor. I would not know at this time, but it was the last time I would fly in the plane with him.

When we got back from his birthday party, he spent much of his time getting ready for Thomas. Thomas was coming for about a month to get his instrument rating. The plane didn’t handle the cold weather well. He had to work on the plane quite a bit on the weekends and during the evenings. The last weekend was very tense, because when he was focused on something little else came into mind. We had gotten into an argument about how much time was being devoted to the plane. We had decided to have a special dinner that week.

The following Tuesday is a day I will never forget. It started off as the perfect day, we woke up, and we made love, and then had coffee together that morning. He called me about 4 and said he was going to get off from work early, and we could go to dinner early. We met up at Tosi’s. I had told him I really wanted some calamari, and they had the best calamari there. We had a lovely dinner; we had noticed that obviously you needed to be 50 to be there so early for dinner. I had asked him what he thought we would be talking about when we were older. He looked at me, and then looked at another couple, he told me that man was obviously and engineer, and his wife wasn’t. We would look like them, and we would be talking about the same things that we did now. I remember him setting down his fork and remarking “mission calamari accomplished”.

I remember looking at him at that moment and thinking he had changed so much during the time I had known him. He had matured, and he had seemed to be more relaxed with himself. We went out to the parking lot, I kissed him goodbye, and we said we would drink a bottle of wine when we got home. He was in my rear view mirror when I last saw him.

He was running late, I had thought something was wrong like he ran out of gas, or something was a miss with his bike. After about 20 minutes I called him, no answer, I waited another 10 minutes, no answer. I then left the house, when I got to the end of the road it was blocked off, there was an accident, and there was a motorcycle involved. Someone said it was a red bike; Michael’s is black so that’s ok. So I hung around there for a bit, the road was blocked off. So I then decided to drive to the hospital. The other way was blocked too, road construction. At this point I am getting desperate, so I decide to go down random country roads to see if I can get to the hospital.

I call his friend Peter, and he puts in a few calls. I eventually work my way around to the accident. I see the bike, and the saddle bags are blown off the bike. I tell the people who he is and that I am his fiancé, and where is he. They eventually talk to me, and tell me he is alive and heading towards the hospital. He is banged up though. They tell me to be careful. I drive as quickly as I can to the hospital. I talk to Peter again; Michael is in the ER, but talking. He is ok, but hurt.

I get to the hospital, Peter gets there, and we wait, and wait, and wait. It is never a good sign when they ask you to come into a room and arrange chairs for you. The doctor comes in and tells me she is sorry, they did everything they could do. Beyond that, everything else is a blur. She had mentioned that they were talking to his parents, and that she would call his parents. I told her no, I would tell them. I call, and say the words I never wanted to come out of my mouth. I tell his parents that Michael was killed in a motorcycle accident. The other man failed to stop at a stop sign and Michael hit the man killing him instantly.

Peter takes me home, and everything begins to blur. I remember calling Debbie telling her about what happened. I call his parents again, and try to say the details that I can barely remember the doctor telling me, Michael essentially had massive trauma to the right side of his body, and then died of internal bleeding. He fought for two hours to stay alive. I have cursed myself heavily for not being there for him sooner, not being there to hold his hand, to kiss him one last time, or to even caress his face and say something to comfort him during this.

In a day or two I would head out to Newark for the funeral. Michael’s aunt meets me at the airport. She is so kind, and hugs and hugs me. I am a mess. The man I love has just died, died before us getting to get married, and now I am going to see his parents. I was a party to Michael’s lie about having the motorcycle. What would they think of me now? I was upset I couldn’t find all of the pieces to his new suit that I helped pick out for him, and it looked so good on him. I can’t even find matching socks for him.

They welcome me in with open arms. We all cry over Michael. We cry, and cry, and cry. The worst pain in the world that I have seen is when a parent looses a child. I have witnessed this twice in the last few years of my life. I would see Bella and Boris go through this. No words really offer any comfort. Nothing you can say to someone really eases their pain. I am relieved to be there, I have been welcomed into their home.

His family is Jewish so they have this wonderful custom of covering mirrors in the house during mourning. Little sleep, and tear stained faces don’t make for attractive people. We went to the funeral, Bella, Boris, Lev, and I got to see Michael in the casket before it would be closed. We all cry, it is especially touching Bella’s tears caressing Michael’s face. We would all kiss him goodbye.

Jewish funerals are somber, but not over the top. They are respectful of the dead. They are respectful of the mourners as well. I was taken back by the beauty of the ceremony, and the simplicity of it. In my family people would tell you not to cry, they would tell you they are in a better place; no one said anything like that here.

I drove his parents and his uncle out to the graveside. They declined a limo, and I thought that driving them was a service that I could do for them, and for Michael. There was a graveside ceremony as well, and then we got to shovel dirt onto his grave. Shoveling dirt onto someone’s grave is a favor no one can repay you for. I could have never imagined having to do this for someone that I loved, and especially so soon. We had so many plans left unfulfilled.

We went back to the house, and had another prayer service, and then a meal. Again everyone was so kind. I had met much of his family over our previous visits. I was grateful for being allowed to morn as freely as needed. I got to tell some funny stories about Michael, and some things they didn’t know about him. He had several patents that he never spoke about, and other adventures that he was quiet about. A few days later I went back to our house in Michigan.

Going back home was difficult. I had not really made any friends yet, I spent all of my extra time with Michael. Our evenings would be sitting and talking outside and having a bottle of wine, sometimes watching a movie, we even spent a couple of nights writing cat poetry. There was a stray cat running around our property, and he would come up on our porch and meow at us and run off when we went to go see what he wanted.

I had no church home, I never felt comfortable at many of the churches there, and I tried too. I spent the forth of July alone, sitting on the deck looking up at fireworks, and thinking how could Michael have left me like this. I went back to work, for the first few weeks I couldn’t stay the whole day, I would often go outside to the car to cry. I, as I knew it died that day that Michael passed away.

Friends came up to visit, they spaced their visits out, and it was a blessing. Michael’s parents came to the house. In September I went to New Orleans for a quick trip. New Orleans is a place where Michael and I had gone. We went to a couple of Mardi Gras parades, I asked to go to New Orleans for Valentine’s Day, it happened to be Mardi Gras. We had a fantastic trip; we had caught so many beads, and ate so much good food. We had each collected about 20 pounds of beads, and had to carry it around New Orleans, complaining about all of the beads we had. It was a difficult place to go back to. Michael and I had planned to go there in September anyway. It was a bittersweet trip.

During the fall I joined the bowling league. I thought it would get me out of the house, and then I also found a nice church home. There was also a spiritual crisis brewing within me. I had for so long been attracted to Judaism, upon Michael’s death, I read constantly about Judaism, and decided to convert. At work things were going ok, but I had a bad feeling. Business was slowing down, and then by the end of October I found out I was being laid off. I couldn’t believe so much horrible luck/karma/whatever in one year. I spent about a week at the house sitting around pondering my future.

I attended some work readiness classes, and decided to move back to Houston. I began to pack and start looking for a job, my severance package wasn’t great, and my chances for employment as a financial analyst in Benton Harbor Michigan were limited. I drove to Michael’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. It was a good trip. Bella, his mother spoils my dog with homemade chicken soup in the evenings, and we got to talk and talk about Michael. I got to learn more stories about Michael, and him growing up. I had wished Bella and I was closer before this happened, but I was thankful that we were close now.

In December the moving truck came. My best friend from college was kind enough to come up and help me drive one of the vehicles back. I drove Michael’s truck, it had no heat, and it was a miserable drive. At one point I had a soda freezing in the can while I was drinking it. I had also contracted a case of impetigo, and despite going to the doctor and getting prescription medicine it got worse. When I got to Houston, I simply walked into my old doctor’s office, and said help me. They did

My last week or so has been unpacking, and trying to get my house ready again. I went on three job interviews and got two job offers. So I should be employed again. I find it painful having to go to the places where Michael and I did. The other night, I cried to and from going to dinner with some friends. I still can’t believe what this year has been like. I feel so much older, I feel so changed. I don’t have a heart full of joy like I once did. My friends used to comment on how I could belly laugh; I haven’t done that in months.

I often ponder why I was left, and he was taken. He was in his prime of life, he was happier than he had been in a long time. He was gifted, he was so intelligent, an accomplished private pilot, he had been a skydiver, he was also a man with a large heart, and he could also be the world’s largest curmudgeon. One night we were discussing lawn care, and he told me he changed his entire life for me, and what did I do for him? I have remembered this line so often, and I have thought to myself, I buried you, I moved all of the way across the country to be with you, I left my home, job, and friends, and you died.

Would I have changed anything if I had known this would be the outcome? No. I wouldn’t change one minute. I had a wonderful two years with Michael. We did so many things together, we traveled, we went to Greece, and we went all over the US. We had fantastic times together at parties we threw, and spending time with our friends. I loved that he and I would simply spend a great deal of our time talking about all sorts of things. We talked about so many things; I also found his ideas fascinating, even if I didn’t agree with him.

Being laid off really wasn’t the blow that losing someone that you love so dearly was. It was a relief, I no longer felt obligated to stay in Michigan. I am now backing in my house incorporating Michael’s things into mine. There is plane art in my house; there are pictures of him all over. My heart is very heavy with the pain it carries. I don’t know if I will ever have that abundant joy in my heart that I used to feel there, I feel aged now. I am still young, but I will carry the knowledge and the experiences of Michael with me forever. I am afraid that I will always be very sad about losing him so quickly, and so tragically.

I am now getting back to posting again and hope to have additional postings about relationships once again. I have enjoyed reading many of the comments that many of you have been kind enough to offer.

Stephanie

I have had a bit of a break here. I have had a couple things going on in my life lately. Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away, I miss him dearly. I also had returned from a live long dream vacation. Isn’t it ironic what life hands you at the same time.

I look forward to getting back to writing!

Stephanie