While you are dating someone we often lose a sense of our self that we may have initially had. It is highly important that we maintain who and what we are while we date that person. So often our own ideals, morals, and wants can change when we are dating someone. We need to maintain our ideals, morals, and wants throughout the relationship, as doing that will keep us on track with the type of relationship that we want.

When you first date someone in the new bliss of a relationship we often compromise ourselves perhaps in the desire to finally have that one right relationship. While it’s ok to make some compromises, other will only serve to haunt us later in the relationship, and later down the road. One example may be drug use, if you are dating someone that may use drugs casually, say only on the weekend, or at a party, and if this was something that you were against, this may not work out for you later. At some time and point, you will have to address this disconnect, whether it means you changing your beliefs or you getting rid of that partner.

Another example might be the way someone treats you. Knowing where your personal boundaries are can help keep you on track. Let’s say you are against any type of verbal abuse such as a partner yelling at you. You notice that sometimes in heated discussions, that all couples have your partner yells at you, or may call you names. You know these are things you are against and do not want any part of. You will once again be forced to choose if this behavior is ok, or if you are going to have to part ways with your partner.

Your spiritual life may be an important area for you. If you engage in a dating relationship with someone that does not value a spiritual life, this will come up eventually. As your partner may not understand when you go to religious services or when you may need to spend time practicing your faith. Again, this disconnect will eventually rise to the service.

It is vitally important that you know enough about yourself, your beliefs, and your wants and desires in a relationship. All disconnects will become apparent, and you will have to make adjustments accordingly. It is important that you know what is important to you, and you make these areas known early on to establish your boundaries. This way you and your partner are both clear on what the areas of compromise are.

If you want to improve communication in relationships find the proper time for a friendly talk. It’s usually not a good idea to try talking in the midst of conflict or dispute. At such times, it’s best to withdraw from the conflict, maintaining mutual respect. This will make it possible to open discussion at a later time.

By looking at the triangle of conflict resolution below you will see that in order to have harmony in relationships, we must grant equal energy and respect for the three points.

Assume Personal Responsibility

Have I done all I can do to resolve this conflict?
Have I looked for solutions?
Am I willing to compromise?
To forgive?
To let it go?
If the conflict can’t be resolved, am I willing to live with it or walk away?

Respect for Myself Respect for the Other Person

I have a right to my feelings
He has a right to his feelings

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as humans is you can not force others to do as you wish and you must make choices based on this. The only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions. We can provide information, influence and suggestions to our loved ones and associates, but the desire to change must be within the individual. Accountability and responsibility involves claiming our own power and using our wisdom to create different results in life.

Accountability occurs either consciously or unconsciously and can be changed the same way.

Some common phrases and actions used to avoid taking responsibility:

* I had no choice. We always have a choice, even though we may not like the consequences.

* I had no control. A good example of this is a couple arguing with harsh and ugly words flying back and forth. The phone rings and it is the Pastor! Notice how the voice tone and facial expression changes as the partner calmly and pleasantly chats. When the conversation ends, the phone slams down and the screaming resumes; they are again “out of control”. No, the behavior commands control and anger is used as a power tool.

* I don’t know. Frequently people will claim not to know something when in their hearts they either do know or could have found out. This is an excuse to let ourselves off the hook and avoid blame.

* I forgot. You mean you chose not to remember. A variation of this theme involves becoming so busy doing things that we want to do that we “forget” to tend to the matters that are considered important by others and ourselves.

* I’ll try. This is a non-accountable response. It creates tension and confusion in relationships and discounts the credibility of the speaker. It is also a blatant lie. We will either be there or do the assignment or we won’t. Be authentic to yourself and others.

* If you do..Then I will.. This strategy places conditions and hoops for the other person to jump through It is as if we are drawing an invisible line in the sand and only we will know when and if they have crossed it. How does the other person ever know when they have done enough or the right thing? Typically, people who use this strategy to avoid accountability in their own life just place the bar or hoop higher and higher for the other person.

* It’s not my fault, she/ he made me do it. When we blame others we prevent ourselves from learning and growing. We block out important information and give our power away. By becoming a non-blamer, we understand and communicate that there are many sides to every story.

* That’s just the way I am. This non-accountable strategy justifies an unwillingness to move off our position and puts the responsibility on others to shift or change. By saying, “I have always been shy or I come from a long line of procrastinators”, we reinforce that we are powerless. We always have choices and if the choice you made years ago are not working, then you are free to choose again and change your behavior and thoughts.

* I don’t have time to deal with it. Of course you have time. In fact, each of us has exactly the same amount of time. 24 hours a day. How we choose to spend our time is the real issue. Relationships that need healing will not do it without help. There needs to be a catalyst to change. Ignoring a situation and hoping it will improve very seldom works and if it does, it is only on the surface. Which of these common excuses to avoid accountability have you used most often? All of them are roadblocks to harmonious relationships and stifle growth. Here are some suggestions for win-win situations.

* Let me listen to you first. Help me to understand where you are coming from. Truly listen with your heart, ears and eyes. Be present, not planning what your rebuttal will be. This is just practicing the Golden Rule, treating others as you would like to be treated.

* Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is now proposing? Aim for a solution where everybody wins something.

* I apologize for jumping to conclusions. Perhaps you need more information. It takes a strong person to admit a mistake and doing so

* What do you think would be fair? Seek to understand and then be understood.

* Using “I-messages” instead of “you-messages”. A you-message lays blame and conveys criticisms. It is a verbal attack and suggests the other person is at fault, which puts them in a defensive position. The I-message simply describes how the behavior or situation makes you feel. This message focuses on you not the other person, nor does it assign blame or belittle the other person. It is easier to remain respectful of the other person’s feelings with I-messages.

An easy formula to remember is

1. When (state the behavior)
2. I feel (state the feeling)
3. Because(state the consequence) and
4. I would like (state a solution)

Example: When I see toys all over the floor, I am annoyed and feel cranky because it is not my job to pick them up before lunch.. I feel like if I have to pick them up, I should put them on the shelf for the afternoon. What do you think? Shall I pick them up and put them away for the day or will you do your assignment now?

Good luck and God Bless. You do an important work with your families.

To learn more about the books, articles, workshops and tele-classes available from Judy H. Wright and to receive a FREE newsletter on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life, please go to www.artichokepress.com

©Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach – www.artichokepress.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of relationships, but in intimate ones, it is all the more important. As with the closer the relationship will become it is easier for those lines to blur. You may ask yourself what is a boundary and why setting, or recognizing them do for me. Boundaries are personal limits we have with other people emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Often we already have these built-in, but sadly we often ignore them because we were taught to be nice to everyone, or that our desire to be in a relationship may outweigh how we behave.
There are at least three different categories of boundaries: physical, emotional, and spiritual. The easiest to understand is the physical boundary, as we experience this one literally on a daily basis. Think of this has if someone is standing too close to you, and how that makes you recoil inside slightly. If you were to apply this to a relationship or someone you may be dating it may take place in terms of a forced physical intimacy before you are ready. Often when these initially happen we get an uncomfortable feeling, it can be a shortness of breath, a sense of being violated, or something like a sinking feeling in your stomach. These are all signs our boundaries are working, and we need to pay attention to them.
Emotional boundaries can impact us in every day life as well. These typically take place in situations where we know the other person. This can be something like a co-worker making an emotional appeal for you to by trash bags for their child for fundraising. This can be our potential dating partner trying to force emotional intimacy through revealing too much about themselves, or asking us to do the same for them. A violation of an emotional boundary could be a potential mate trying to secure a commitment in a relationship before we are ready. Once again if we feel uncomfortable when these things happen, its time to pay attention, and ask ourselves what is making us feel this way.
Spiritual boundary violations can be very devastating. A very easy example of this may be when a child seeks approval from a parent for something they have done, and then that child is met with criticism. These violations tend to run deeper than an emotional one since they feel like an attack on us. This could be a partner making an overly harsh comment, or if someone is putting someone else down and making you feel uncomfortable. When these transgressions happen you should take note, other people should not make you feel bad, and attacks on the spirit can be difficult to get over.
When your boundaries are violated, you often have a negative reaction and my not know why. Learning about where your personal limits are is a wonderful way for you to set expectations in a relationship, and learn about yourself. There is no better time for you to do this than before a relationship starts, or in beginning of a relationship. Re-setting your boundaries in older relationships is possible, but it will come with a longer adjustment period. Take time to establish what your personal expectations are, so you are always comfortable in your relationships.