Stephanie

This article is contributed by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D, author of the book, “Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited”.

a.. Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the “silent treatment”), manipulate, and control.

b.. There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or consistently tactless – is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are “stealth abusers”. You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

c.. There are three important categories of abuse:
. OVERT ABUSE
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring (“silent treatment”), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

. COVERT OR CONTROLLING ABUSE
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one’s identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment – human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of “being in touch” – another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one’s brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser’s mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts … Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

1. UNPREDICTABILITY
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.

Tip
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. Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

2. DISPROPORTIONAL REACTIONS
One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser’s arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of “justice” meted and judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed.

Tip
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. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

3. DEHUMANIZATION AND OBJECTIFICATION (ABUSE)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction. This is the “alien” aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser’s control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

Tip
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. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
. If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon.

. Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

4. ABUSE OF INFORMATION
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it “to the cause”. The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

Tip
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. Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
. Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

5. IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

Tip
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. Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
. Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

6. CONTROL BY PROXY
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

Tip
————————————-
. Often the abuser’s proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

7. AMBIENT ABUSE
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called “gaslighting”.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.

Tip
————————————-
. Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
. You don’t owe anyone an explanation – but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Reader’s tips

a.. The best and most daunting advice (from my marriage counselor after she heard the reality of my situation) was to get a restraining order, get a lawyer and get out. Forget trying to convince this guy you once loved, father of your children, that he is abusive. He doesn’t accept any negative feedback, you know this. Try to lay low, not provoke any fights until you have a plan in place to have restraining orders (stay away from wife and kids unless she says it’s ok) served, preferably when you and the kids are not home. This is what I did and I thank God I listened to professionals, otherwise I would still be miserable and my kids would be witnessing a long, dragged out, ugly mess. DO IT, ask for help, look up ALIVE, (advocates for women) and pray for stength. Get yourself FREE! It’s great and it’s only been 3 weeks. …Becky via email, Jan 2004

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Book & articles

Abuse is almost entirely about control.

The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser’s control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon.

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it “to the cause”.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.

- Sam Vaknin

Books & articles
You Can’t Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse – An 8-Step Program – Suzette Haden Elgin. Wiley, 1995.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work – Suzette Haden Elgin. Prentice Hall Pr, 2000.

No Visible Wounds : Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men – Mary Susan Miller. Ballantine Bks, 1996.

Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited – Samuel Vaknin. Narcissus Pub, 2003.

The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (Sage Series on Violence Against Women) – Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman. Sage Pub, 2002.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You – Patricia Evans. Adams Media Corp, 2002.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing – Beverly Engel. John Wiley & Sons, 2002.

Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse -Michael Paymar. Hunter House, 2000.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You – Susan Forward. HarperCollins, 1998.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men – Lundy Bancroft. Putnam Pub Group, 2002.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing – Beverly Engel. John Wiley & Sons, 2002.

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse – Lundy Bancroft. G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 2004.

Children Who See Too Much : Lessons from the Child Witness to Violence Project – Betsy McAlister Groves. Beacon Pr, 2003.

Children’s Perspectives on Domestic Violence – Audrey Mullender, et al. SAGE Pub, 2002.

It is a difficult realization that this person you are involved with, isn’t a full person. This person at best only projects what they want you to see. They will project that as long as you give them your attention, and they do not feel threatened by the close relationship. Keep in mind, like any great movie with a long run, eventually that movie will stop playing. When it does, your time is up. Do not think for an instant that there is anything you can do, think, feel, or say that will change your run with this person. When they decide its over, end it, and don’t look back. If you continue to engage in the relationship, they will only toy with you for entertainment. Stop, and get off that ride, its heart breaking.

Chances are this person will be a completely different person in a relationship with the next person. He will change and morph into what he thinks will get him the best result. You have to realize any relationship that comes on as strong as this as this one did, should be a warning sign. This should be a warning sign that screams out as much as one ever could. Does this person act like everything you ever wanted? Run. A narcissist will morph and change into what he thinks you want. You will be lied and manipulated by someone who has had a lifetime of experience at it. Most people are fooled by this for awhile, don’t feel bad if you missed the signs that this person was someone you should have ran from.

If you not married to this person, if you have no children, and no other attachments with this person. Drop them like a hot rock. Eventually they will turn on you. They will attempt to destroy you and play you like you have never been played before. Keep in mind lying to you, manipulating your schedule, finances, and anything else for that matter means nothing to them. The narcissist, simply does not understand or have the capability to understand that other people are real people too.

If this is not the circumstance, and you are tied to this person, by legal matters, I will address what can help in another posting. Truly, if you can, get out this relationship as fast as possible. Run, simply run. You will have to untangle yourself from this relationship. It won’t be easy, it will be difficult, just as ending any other relationship. You will heal from this relationship, it will be more difficult than other relationships, you will be better off ending it as soon as possible.

Are you with a narcissist? Does your life feel complicated beyond belief? Is all of your anxiety typically centered around one person? Do you find that person gives you standards that you can’t keep up with, because their standards change all of the time? You may be with a narcissist.

Life is a narcissist is a living hell. One thing is critical though, you must divorce yourself from getting self validation from this person. Secretly this person fears you. They will go out of their way to tear you down. They will tear you down on all fronts, the will not stop. They are compelled to do this. Their actions, while they may feel personal, are not personal.

Realize the narcissist is unable to make those deeper personal connections that normal people make. They are unable to make friendships, and love relationships the rest of the population makes. Instead, they offer interactions that may look like friendships and love relationships, but they are not the same. The narcissist must interact with people to feed their narcissism, but you are only a source to them.

What can you do? You need to learn to step away from the relationship. You must begin to break those ties that bind you together. Breaking this type of relationship can be very difficult, it may feel impossible. To save yourself you must learn to distance yourself from this person. This can be something as simple as realizing their put downs, their rages, and their fits are not personal. When the person acts up, you need to learn how to deflect their actions. Whether this means walking away, not responding, or another action, it is important that you do not feed into their misbehavior.

It is critical that you realize that in dealing with a narcissist, they are not normal people. It is unlikely that they can ever be reformed into normal people. You will have set your own boundaries and protective walls around yourself from that person. Once you start this, you will have more power in your situation with your narcissist. Ideally, one day you should walk away from the relationship, and no longer have any contact with this person. Breaking free of your narcissist can be done.

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. Often relationships start out wonderfully and turn sour while dating. You should invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.
1. Physical Abuse – physical abuse should always be a deal breaker. Early signals may be extremely rough play where you end up bruised. Other early signs are pushing, shoving, or playfully hitting you too hard. These are signs that he is physically aggressive and doesn’t mind hurting you.
2. Emotional/Verbal Abuse – name calling (no, we aren’t talking about terms of endearment) such as you’re a fat slob, you’re ugly, or anything that doesn’t promote good will is inexcusable. If such terms are being used towards you, drop that person, they do not respect you. Having that person say that they didn’t mean it, or they were joking isn’t an acceptable excuse.
3. Emotional Rollercoaster’s – avoid people who love you one day, and want to break things off the next day. This person is unstable, and will only continue this cycle as your relationship continues. A person who does articulate mixed messages isn’t emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
4. Lying – you deserve to be in a relationship with a person who will tell you the truth. Avoid anyone who tells outright lies. If they will lie about small things, they will lie about larger things. A person that loves you will respect and not lie to you.
5. Inaccessible – They will not give out phone numbers, address, or employment information. Someone who is not willing to give you a way to contact them is trying to hide from someone. Perhaps they will only give out their cell phone number and nothing else. Perhaps they will only allow you to call at certain times, and not at others. All of these are warning signs that they are trying to keep themselves separate from you.
6. Too Controlling – your partner is overly concerned about activities that you do when you are away from them. They need to know where you are at all times, they may call you several times a day while you are out checking up on you. Be cautious if someone must know where you are at every waking moment, and needs to constantly check up on you. They may need to do this simply because they are insecure, or they may be seeing someone else, and want to verify that you aren’t going to infringe upon that other relationship.
7. You’re the one trying to work on the relationship – if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keeps the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can’t pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn’t interested in you enough to make the effort.
8. How do they treat others? Does your partner treat other people well? Do they treat servers in restaurants with respect? Do they speak nicely to their own family? Do they talk badly about their friends behind their backs? Remember, the person you are with will eventually treat you like they do everyone else.

These are general warning signs. You may have your own must haves that a potential partner must meet to be in a relationship with you. Make sure you move slow enough to see these warning signals before you fully engage your heart. Above all you deserve a stable relationship with someone that you respect, and that other person respects you. If you must question yourself, ask yourself this, if a friend of yours was relating some of these red flags to you, what would you say? If you would tell your friend its time to move on, move on to someone that will give you the relationship that you desire.