My first impression was their musak style music being beamed all over the place. Yes, folks were humming along to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline. I stepped into the door and the smell of meat being over grilled was so heavy in the air. I wondered where I had smelled that before, Astroworld’s medieval cafe. Yep, their cafe where season ticket holders ate because the discount was large, and well you were eating at an amusement park so the food didn’t need to be tasty, just salty.

Now the food, honestly, it is all over the place. The grill master was a little over concerned with overcooking beef, if it was made of hamburger, that meant it had to be charred to a crisp on the outside. While wonderful for keeping down any danger of food poisoning through undercooked hamburger meat. The vegetables were honestly tasty, and reminded me of what I would make a home. I found that many of their vegetables to be quite tasty. I enjoyed their take on the famous green been casserole that is served for the holidays. I loved their addition of chopped onions into the mix and they added some smokey country ham as well.

Now their baked goods, if they simply closed the restaurant and simply opened bakeries that would be the way to go. They made wonderful yeast rolls, cookies, pies, and so much more. For me, this was the most solid part of their food offerings. Their chocolate chip cookies, while they weren’t made of butter were tasty. They do their own version of the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits, but their biscuits are more dense, and a little less garlicy.

I found my experience to be full of contrasts. Meat, isn’t something I found particularly good here, but it came in ample supply, live and onions, fried livers, fish in a variety of forms, grilled meats, and so much more. They had tasty vegetables, and wonderful baked goods. Would I go back? I think this would be a great breakfast spot or even a decent lunch spot. If you are going to go, bring your sweet tooth.

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The answer I got was no, it doesn’t get any easier, it simply changes.  I was told the sense of loss never really goes away, that unfortunately has been my experience.  Sadly I was comforted in when a couple of the ladies mentioned how well they hold up in public, and then at times as soon as the door closes when they get home, they melt.  This has been something I have done all too often.  I have melted into a puddle.  I have melted into a puddle when watching certain tv shows, reading a book, or even going over my journal from days past. 

I would love to tell you that the ladies had said, yes, it gets a little easier.  Grief is a vicious monster that hands overhead for a long time.  I don’t anticipate ever being completelly over my relationship with Michael.  It was sadly refreshing to hear what I go through, others go through and struggle with as well.  I was amazed that many had the same reactions as I have had.

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So I am trying desperately to finish up my book.  I finally became a jew, I have went on three vacations, and did tons of socializing.  Today, I will go to my volunteer for hospice, hopefully work out, have lunch with a new friend, go work on fundraising efforts for the temple, and goodness knows what else.  Yesterday I went to the gym, cleaned house, made 4 dishes for the website, shot photos, editied photos, did some consulting on a new website that I will be assisting with, oh and went to a lovely ‘Night of Why’, presented by my temple.  Meanwhile, I just want to catch my breath. 

It isn’t a complaint about being too busy, as much as right now the pace is so desperately fast.  I just want to catch my breath.  I most likely wouldn’t change it for the world either.

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Upon coming back I am still doing diet gourmet meals, and I joined another gym.  Managed to make it to work out today.  So hopefully I will be moving forward on this again. 

My life has been uber crazy for the past month.  During all of these vacations, I have turned in about 80% of my book to the editor, and this weekend I hope to finish the rest.  I have class one night a week, and still do volunteer stuff on the weekends.  I honestly don’t know if I am coming or going.  I hope things slow down soon!

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I live and work in affluent parts of town.  When I saw affluent, I mean I work in a very affluient part of town, and I live in a nicer neighborhood.  What this really translate into that gas is more expensive in my neighborhood and where I work than the places inbetween.  Dramatically so.  Prices were I work are 20% higher than the going rate, and where I live this translate into 10% overage in pricing.  I find this frustrating because I feel as if I am getting gouged for living out in the burbs.

Living in Houston means living in an area where there are rings of the city.  This means driving from one “nicer” area of town to the other, and not stopping inbetween, especially after dark.  I had unfortunately miscalculated my time one particular evening and failed to buy gas where I should have.  So I was going to run out of gas, and still had to get home.  This left me stopping in the area of town where I really hate stopping after dark.  I have personally known people who have had their vehicles broken into in these parts.  But being faced with running out of gas or not, well I opted to go ahead and stop.

I hated that I felt like I was in emminate danger in my own city from stopping for gas.  I bypassed one gas station due to low lighting, and folks just hanging out there without vehicles for another gas station.  It was better lit, and no one was just hanging out.  While I filled up with gas, I actually got into my car, and locked the door.  Which conjured up a variety of thoughts, why would I intentionally put myself in harms way over a buck fifty at most? Why can’t I feel safe in my own town? Why must I feel like I am doing wrong when I am getting gas after dark?

Why are there areas so close to each other where we have a sense of security and why are there other places you don’t want to be caught in period.  Why are there areas of just prosperity, and then disparity right next door to each other?  I find this so frustrating on so many levels.  What can I do as an individual to work on this?  I honestly don’t have a ton of answers right now.    It is amazing what the simple act of buying gas can do.

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Whew!

I have also started religious studies classes in the evenings, so one night a week is definately a long one.  It has felt like I have had very little extra time here lately.    I will write more soon

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It is amazing to me that in today’s society material objects cost so little that it makes it easy to collect things.  I have been personally guilty of collecting toys from McDonald’s, wine, and a variety of other things.  I have spent the past couple of years of my life trying to get rid of excess stuff.  Having tons of things means that you are obligated to take care of what you have.  So I been trying to scale back to a level where I feel comfortable. 

After watching this show I typically get up and toss out an extra tupperware container that is missing its lid.  I put aside things to give away.  This last weekend, I had a party and old people to go through my extra books and take what they wanted.  I also donate what I can to charity.  I am do dumb founded that we let ourselves get into collecting things that we don’t need only to add more stuff.

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It is much harder to connect with the small blessings in life.  What are small blessings?  Your best friend gives you a call out of the blue.  You find five dollars unexpectidly in your pocket.  You see a rainbow.  These are all small blessings.   We so often over look these small blessings.  Why not create a small blessing for someone else.  A simple card, a kind word, or even listening to someone at the right time can give someone else a small blessing.

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It is so hard to believe or even imagine that so much of our population is on anti-depressant medication.  One has to wonder why we are so depressed, and why the pharmaceutical companies promote their medications as the end all be all to depression.  Anti-depressants come with multiple side effects and drawbacks, they are not the cure all either.  One has to wonder when the ads clearly state a side effect may make you suicidal if the drug is truly safe, or one that you may want to stay away from.

Why were past generations able to deal with life without having to take anti-depressants, sure there was St. John’s Wort that was known for eleviating signs of depression.  I am certain there were other home therapies that were used through out time that we have forgotten about.  Have our lives changed so dramatically that the only way we can exist and be functional is through daily medication?

I look at myself and then think about our diets, my family 50 years ago grew all of the food they needed, as well as raised their own meat on their farm.  While I am lucky that I do can organic vegetables, and I try to stay away from most processed food, but I am no where near the level where my family was.  How much of depression lies on the highly processed food chain that we benefit from where our ancestors did not?

I can not say either way.  I think it warrants a serious look at when a significant number of our population is now on a maintenance drug.  One has to wonder if we are using the right approach in making people feel better.  The cost, the side effects, I have to think there is a better way than leaving a large part of our population stuck with taking anti-depressants.

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I liked that she had moved onto where memories were once again pleasant, and they are less bitter sweet.  I am not completely there yet, but at least now it is easier to chuckle about different moments in the relationship, and then to wonder what he would be thinking about a particular situation.

I was heading out on my way to visit a couple of hospice patients.   Visiting people who are in hospice had been something I had wanted to do for years, but for me the hang up was I always felt that I was too close to a loss of a loved one to do this and do a good job at it.  Instead this is turniing out to be a growth lesson for me.  I am often dumbfounded by the dignity, of both the families and the patients in going through a time that is obviously difficult.  I am so amazed at the love that people have for their loved ones as they come and visit their terminally ill family. 

I hope as this process of grief for me that continues, continues to see growth and progress.  I want to be able to think of my fiance as he was, funny, grouchy, a man who told all sorts of stories and jokes, and remember those things in a good context.

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