Boy, something I have to forgive someone for, you know, this is a difficult question for me to answer.  I think the most stark thing that has happened in my life in recent years was the death of my fiance.  It was a horrible accident, where both parties involved died.  For me this was a senseless death, and one that has never made sense.   I didn’t know much about the other man involved in the accident, other than the accident was judged to be his fault.    All I know, is that we were returning from dinner, he was right behind me on his motorcycle, and another driver hit him, and Michael died a few hours later due to injuries from the accident.

Right after the accident I was incredibly angry with this man who had also died.  I never really understood anger on that level before.  Even while this man had also died, I wanted to ask him why did he fall asleep, why wasn’t he paying attention, why did he run the stop sign.  You know what, I couldn’t ask him.  I couldn’t do anything at the end of that day.  Yet, if I don’t forgive this person for his lack of attention I remain stuck in anger for the death Michael.  I have also struggled with why I wasn’t following Michael as I should have been.  I would normally follow him, but I was in a rush that night to get home.  We were wanting to drink a bottle of wine on the deck when we got home, it was going to be a pleasant evening that night.  So for me, this leaves me forgiving the other driver, and myself for not driving behind Michael.  One thing is for certain  I can promise that one of my first questions in my afterlife will be what was the reasoning behind this accident.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

The answer I got was no, it doesn’t get any easier, it simply changes.  I was told the sense of loss never really goes away, that unfortunately has been my experience.  Sadly I was comforted in when a couple of the ladies mentioned how well they hold up in public, and then at times as soon as the door closes when they get home, they melt.  This has been something I have done all too often.  I have melted into a puddle.  I have melted into a puddle when watching certain tv shows, reading a book, or even going over my journal from days past. 

I would love to tell you that the ladies had said, yes, it gets a little easier.  Grief is a vicious monster that hands overhead for a long time.  I don’t anticipate ever being completelly over my relationship with Michael.  It was sadly refreshing to hear what I go through, others go through and struggle with as well.  I was amazed that many had the same reactions as I have had.