E-Harmony was my least favorite dating system.  There are several reasons why I found E-Harmony less than satisfying.  First off these commercials would lead you to believe that every time someone joins their service that you are going to find your perfect match.  They match you on like a zillion compatibilities.  In my experience we had similar likes and dislikes, but that doesn’t account for the baggage that they come with.  First off I will say I got matched to literally hundreds of others around where I live.  You would think that is wonderful, awesome, it is!   The problem with being match with the people there, is that chances are who you are getting matched with isn’t a member, so they will never respond to you.  Nice.

For me, for every 100 persons I was matched to resulted in an actual date.  Not a relationship, but a date. I was matched with nice respectible, employeed people.  My problem with this is the results are demoralizing.  100 matches to 1 date.  The numbers just aren’t in your favor.  People close out on you long before you would ever figure out you were or were not compatible.  So we will move past there, my first date with someone on E-Harmony was with a recovering alcoholic.  I personally did not have a problem with someone that was trying to recover from an addiction.  I had a problem with that person requesting to meet in a bar, and then telling me this after I started drinking my drink.  How was I to know this was a sensitive issue?

My next date was with a nationally ranked Go-Player, being a bit if a nerd, yeah, I know what this is, but I am not a Go-Player.  We had a wonderfully awkward lunch, and then really didn’t know what to talk about, so I asked him about this game.  I learned, or rather I was told more than I ever wanted to know.  He was a nice person, there was no chemistry. 

My third date with someone I met on E-Harmony, was another nice professional man. Intelligent, sense of humor, a professional working man.  I thought yes, this will work.  We went on our first date, and then suddenly he asked how our relationship was going.  Relationship?  Relationship?  It was a first date, a first date hardly counts as a relationship.  I tried to exit out of that one ASAP. 

My frustration with E-Harmony is their matching process.  The fact that you get matched to other people, I am sure that many of them are nice, and wonderful people.  Since they aren’t members, you will never meet them.  I really found that out of 100 matches, one connection moved onto a first date.  I thought this was frustrating.  So at this point I really don’t highly recommend this service.  If you are looking for a place where you can be exposed to lots of potential people I would go with Match.com or another site with greater visibility.  You want a place where you have a chance at optimizing your chance for connections.  Personally for me, the 1 in 100 odds isn’t good enough for me to recommend their service to others.

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I think you need to be very objective when you start in a new relationship. You need to realize that is this the point where that other person is showing you their best effort. If their best effort fails to meet your needs you need to move on quickly. For example do they forget to call you when they say they will? Everyone works and sometimes gets busy, but when they consistently forget to call you, do you think it will get any better? It won’t, they suddenly won’t have a revalation one day and begin to call you all of the time.

Are they sometimes hot and sometime cold towards you? We all want someone that is consistent, they may not be behave exactly like we want, but we shouldn’t be surprised in the way they want to be close and then suddenly distance themselves from us. If they are wishy washy, we need to set them to the curb and get off that potential emotional roller coaster.

The time to decide whether a relationship should move forward or stop moving forward is early on. Are you being treated like you want to be? Are your needs for closeness being met? If they are not, move on. You don’t owe that person a lengthly explanation, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to let another person drag you down.

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Bad Relationship

When a relationship is out of synch
A real key in a relationship to both be on the same footing, and to have the same goals for the relationship. The longer it is for when the relationships are when they are out of synch, the more likely it is for the relationship to become toxic and unsustainable, but what do you do when this happens? You have choices to make, and these can be difficult choices to make in this relationship.

You can choose to remain in status quo, and most likely suffer from this consequence. Like a rubber band we can be stretched for only so long. When you have to operate outside of your personal norms and standards you may the daily grind of the relationship to be more than you can handle. The relationship may have enough payoffs that it makes it ok for you to go on with the relationship. You may get enough return out of this relationship to make this endurable, then again you have an option to end the relationship at any time, or you can even opt to make choices in this relationship later.

You can also choose to end the relationship. This really depends on what you get back out of your partner. Do you get anything positive out of your partner? Do you receive kindness, nurturing, or anything else that makes you feel good? If the negative transactions outweigh the positive ones it may be time to move on. Think of positive transactions as deposits into a checking out, and the negative transactions as deductions in the account. If you are always in the red, chances are you aren’t happy with the relationship and it may be time to move on.

Finally you can choose to make changes in the relationship. You can tell your partner what you are and aren’t happy with in the relationship. You can tell them what you want and desire from the relationship. Keep in mind; you can not bluff when it comes to this. Tell them you want more connectedness, or more time together, or knowing where you stand with them. If they listen, and receive your comments well, and agree to work on these issues, these are good signs. If they do not listen to you, and tell you they aren’t going to change, it is time to move on.

Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, mutual and one that you receive positive emotions from the other person. Sometimes we are out of synch in our closeness, and this may be due to ignorance of the other person, a mismatch in timing, or a mismatch in person. You hold the responsibility in driving a relationship where you want it to go. You will receive the type of relationship that you allow to happen. If you are out of step with that other person, strive to place the both of you in the same step and direction. You absolutely deserve a relationship that is rewarding for you.

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Does this person stay engaged in conversation with you? Or are your conversations one sided and non interactive? If someone is really interested in you, they are interested in communicating with you. The person in question will engage in face-to-face conversations, phone conversation, emails, and other methods of communication. When someone isn’t interested in you, communication will be sparse and minimal. Look for their time spent communicating with you as a gauge of interest.

Does this person appreciate your interests or your unique ways? If they do not, they aren’t interested in you enough to carry on a relationship. You want to have someone that shares, or at least appreciates your personal quirks, hobbies, and characteristics that make you uniquely you. When a person just makes factual comments or remarks that are condescending, it is time to take a pass on this person.

Now women, guys when they really like a girl seem to go out of their way for them. This can mean opening car doors, a door, for you. Look for these little clues to see if their interested is there. Men, does a woman look you in the eye, blush, stroke her hair? If she is doing these things she is really interested in you. For both sexes is this person trying to make physical contact with you? Are they reaching out, touching your arm or anything like that?

Our time is precious and important to us; it is a good idea to spend it with people who care enough about you to treat you well. Life is too short to spend a bunch of time with someone that you don’t click with. If you don’t click with that person, move on! There are lots of little signs that can help you see just how interested a person is in you.

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There is a bunch of talk among women about finding Mr. Right, and there seems to be a common consensus that finding him is a near impossible task. A Woman who is perceived to have found him is envied and bombarded with questions as to how she landed him. The problem with this Mr. Right theory is that it implies that women are automatically Ms. Rights. Unfortunately, this is not true.
We are not all wonderful, innocent, drama-free damsels waiting patiently for our Mr. Right. It’s hard to admit, but women are capable of doing just as much lying, cheating, and gaming as men.

If you expect to find a man that is from free from game- playing, lying, cheating, and deceiving, be committed to being that kind of person yourself. Make a conscious effort to treat others with respect. Decide to be open and honest with others, decide to share and give of yourself, and decide to live up to the truthfulness and righteousness in which you believe. The closer you move toward becoming Ms. Right the sooner you will attract Mr. Right because people of like mines, words, and deeds are drawn to one another.

I remember when I realized that the game playing in my life had to stop. I moved to a new city with the belief that if I got away from the bad influences in my life (i.e. “no good men”) everything would be great. However, within one month of living in my new city I had attracted the same old drama. I quickly realized that although my environment had changed I had stayed the same, and had created all the same turmoil within a very short period of time.

I began the slow and steady progression toward being a better person. Two years later I married a great man, and we have been in a twelve- year marriage that is sincere, respectful, and free of game playing. Not to imply that we have not hurt each other because we have. It’s hard to avoid hurting each other in any relationship. However, we come together in respect and honesty to work out our problems, and try really hard to be the best we can be for each other. We own our emotions, and share how we feel with the knowledge that it may get ugly at times, but we can get through it.

Stir it up: Observe how you interact with the men in your life. Think about what you might be with holding, hiding, sneaking, lying about, cheating, and the games you may be playing. In your heart, you will recognize right from wrong because God made it so. The next time you feel like what you are about to do is wrong do not give in. Do what is right! Then ask yourself what motivated you to want to do wrong. Why did you feel justified to do the wrong thing? It is not because you are a bad person it probably has more to do with emotions like fear, anger,
frustration, envy or disappointment. Remember it is okay to feel these emotions because God made them, but it is not okay to react destructively because of what you feel.

Brooke Brimm has a Master’s degree in Professional Counseling and 8 years of experience in the field of Human Science. She has been married since 1993 and has two beautiful daughters. Ms. Brimm authors an ezine, Loves Gumbo, in which she discusses love, relationships, and friendships in today’s society. To join email: lovesgumbo@comcast.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brooke_Brimm

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Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. There are a variety of “bad choices” that may be encountered each week – most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled “The Loser”.

“The Loser” is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present – it’s not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment “The Loser” will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper “The Loser” has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others – that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” – fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper – throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although “The Loser” quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you – but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability – and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them – fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence “The Loser” repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard”, unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly – as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” – always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends – sometimes even their family. “The Loser” feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. “The Loser” begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, “The Loser” will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, “The Loser” will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. “The Loser” then tells you they are treating you badly again and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle “The Loser” cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow “The Loser” to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. “The Loser” often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done – exactly as planned.

7. It’s Always Your Fault “The Loser” blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly – it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. “The Loser” tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. “The Loser” never, repeat “never”, takes personal responsibility for their behavior – it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them – it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic “The Loser” panics at the idea of breaking up – unless it’s totally their idea – then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area – as though you will be responsible for those decisions. “The Loser” offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of – telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of “The Loser” – escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests “The Loser” will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night – “The Loser” will inform you that they will call you that night – sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows “The Loser” to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, “The Loser” will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with “The Loser” too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in “The Loser”.

12. It’s Never Enough “The Loser” convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them – somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement “The Loser” has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, “The Loser” feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what “The Loser” is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. “The Loser” will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you – not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them – eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. “The Loser” will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to – even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. “The Loser” tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories – they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time “The Loser” has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap – you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment – that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt – hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. “The Loser” may have two distinct reputations – a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant – five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit – you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. “The Loser” may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker”, “womanizer”, “hot temper” or “being crazy”. They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, “The Loser” will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of “The Loser”, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with “The Loser” continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence – fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of “The Loser”. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone – exactly what “The Loser” wants – no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions “The Loser” is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. “The Loser” has no interest in your opinion or your feelings – but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. “The Loser” is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You “Crazy” “The Loser” operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If “The Loser” is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm – you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well – being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy” – it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from “The Loser” before permanent psychological damage is done.

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from “The Loser” often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from “The Loser”, you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from “The Loser” because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, “The Loser” has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should…

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how “The Loser” works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore “The Loser” to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be – a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If “The Loser” is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment – a small price to pay to get rid of “The Loser”.

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself – responding with comments such as “I’ve been so confused lately” or “I’m under so much stress I don’t know why I do anything anymore”.

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember – “The Loser” never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. “The Loser” will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to “play confused” and dull, allowing “The Loser” to tell others “My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!” They may tell others you’re crazy or confused but you’ll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you’re in the process of detaching.

- Don’t start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to “lay low” for several months. Remember, “The Loser” will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As “The Loser” starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that “The Loser” doesn’t accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions – ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can’t feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they’ve probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of “I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.” If “The Loser” can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If “The Loser” panics, you’ll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner – a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to the many negotiations that will be offered – dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as “The Loser” has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- “The Loser” will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you’ll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you’ll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don’t try to make them understand how you feel – it won’t happen. “The Loser” only is concerned with how they feel – your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how “The Loser” is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if “The Loser” finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future”. When “The Loser” hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens – we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle – thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation – we’ve given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position – always say the same thing. “The Loser” will stop playing a machine that doesn’t pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

“The Loser” never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, “The Loser” has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don’t see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, “The Loser” tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase – their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. “The Loser” rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

- Never change your original position. It’s over permanently! Don’t talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm “The Loser” but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don’t agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For “The Loser”, discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

- Don’t offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you’ll find “The Loser” spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: “I’m still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That’s about it.”

- When “The Loser” tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While “The Loser” wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers – “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.” Remember – nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. As far as “The Loser” is concerned, you’re always on your way somewhere, there’s something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish “The Loser” well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone – the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short – and not personal.

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First let me relate a story to you, about this weekend. I do come cycling, and I was around a couple that also do some cycling. Well, one of the partners is an avid cyclist, and the other is not. The other has been out once before, and her partner talked her into signing up for 40 miles out on her first day. I felt the need to do some serious intervention this weekend, as I thought that was excessive for someone who is not in shape. She would later opt to do the shorter 20 mile route, but her comment was, I don’t want to disappoint him. Personally I have been cycling for awhile, and I can’t quite crack 40 miles, and assumed she couldn’t either. I should also add, this person was not in good physical shape, and had not been on any sort of exercise program.

Which lead me to think, why would your put yourself in a position to push your body beyond its normal limits for someone? Does riding an extra 20 miles show love? Does the extra mileage show commitment? What type of dynamic between two people is there when one pushes the other beyond their limit, and why in the world would someone ask in the first place?

Love should be tender, kind, caring, and looking out for the other person. I do not feel that healthy relationships should endanger their partner in anyway. Whether your violating physical, emotional, or mental boundaries of a person should make no difference. If you are really caring towards your partner, their comfort level should factor into play. Actually it should factor, and then those factors should immediate be put into play.

This whole episode really brought home to me, what is a caring and loving relationship. Personally I want my partner to be around for a long time. I do not want to push them beyond their limits. It is offensive whether a person is invading your space when you stand in line at a grocery store, or an elevator. Why wouldn’t it be any different if someone who claims to love and adore you tries to encroach in your personal physical, and emotional boundaries? I do not feel there is a difference, and if your with a person that wants to ride along your personal boundaries, and push you past your limits, perhaps, you should walk away.

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Relationships with difficult people, or even a narcisst leaves you so much more involved than a relationship with a more normal person. When those relationships break off it is more than the relationship that you break, you also let the dream die that the relationship had any possibility for a normal, healthy relationship. It is the realization of this that eats at our core.

Not only do you have the pain and angst of a relationship dying, you have the awful realization that you were involved with a person that was bad for you. There may have been times an points during that relationship when you knew things were going badly, but stayed in the relationship for the possible payoff that it may have had at times, or simply the possibility of a good payoff.

The payoff may have been something as simple as a good evening out with your mate, or it may have been something far more reaching, like marriage. It is always frustrating when dreams die. You may have been involved with this person for a long or possibly a short time. We carry our dreams from relationship to relationship so those dreams we may have associated with that person are far more deep rooted than our time involved with that person.

It may seem at times to let go of that person is the most difficult thing to do in the world. How do you stop thinking about them? How do you stop thinking about the dreams that you may have shared with that other person? You must simply cast off that person and let go when the relationship ends.

Try to visualize something that breaks. Think of your relationship as a pebble that you hold in your hand. As you toss it into a lake you see the ripples that it makes. Those ripples may make waves that wash over your feet, but realize that time has passed. Sometimes we need to let go of one thing, so we can hold something else in our hands.

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There are a few ways this issue can be addressed, so I will be making two points: one will pertain to how a woman presents herself and behaves on a date, which is addressed specifically to women. In the second point I will address the sex and dating issue directly, which will be of benefit to women as well as men.

When I hear women complain that the only thing that men are interested in is sex, I try to get them to look at themselves first before casting all of the blame on men. For example, if you are dating online, what is the message that your profile conveys about you? Let’s start with your pictures: do you look smartly attractive in a variety of poses, or do your pictures instead exude sex with a “come hither” look? In your profile, how do you describe yourself, the men who interest you, and your ideal date? If it contains too many references to romance, this can be confused with wanting sex.

So be sure that your profile makes you sound appealing while simultaneously showing you as a woman of substance who is looking for a solid guy.

How do you behave while on the first date? It’s important that you act in a friendly, but not too flirtatious manner. Make sure that you are wearing attractive (but not too sexy) clothes and that your shade of lipstick doesn’t shout out “kiss me!” A man will respond to your lead if you start to touch him, so make sure that your gestures are meant to be friendly, not ones that would convey an interest in being grabbed and hotly pursued.

Even if a woman passes her own assessment of the cues and clues that she communicates, it’s important to remember just how powerful sex hormones can be. Since there is a natural biological basis to chemistry and attraction, it will call out to be gratified. Instead of going for instant gratification, I suggest that singles channel their experience of chemistry to concentrate on learning more about their dating partner-to determine if you share a similar life path, and see if s/he has the necessary enduring qualities essential for a creating a committed relationship. This kind of learning is best accomplished when you spend your time together asking questions, listening to answers, and paying attention to behaviors.

But what happens if you and your dating partner end up in “lip lock” and are headed towards the bedroom? Sure, you might “learn” a lot about each other, but not with the same objectivity had you kept your clothes on. So it’s important that you and your dating partner have the same answer to this question– what are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking for love, or are you looking for sex?

If you are a man or a woman honestly searching for a life partner relationship, then this should not be a difficult question to answer. Many psychological and sociological studies have found that when people experience instant chemistry, and then act on it quickly by engaging in sex, there is a higher chance that the relationship will “crash & burn,” instead of becoming a lasting and loving partnership.

Relationships that last might have a strong chemical component in the beginning, and this can be a good thing! However, it’s not necessarily the only essential ingredient for creating a long-term relationship. Growing together has to “take root” in something more than chemistry since attraction, being biochemically based, can wax and wane. And experiencing chemistry with someone does not guarantee anything whatsoever in the future. Look instead to develop a friendship based in similar interests, values, priorities and life goals. These are the qualities that will contribute to creating a loving relationship that lasts.

© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.

About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the “Love Coach” advice column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her “Get Your Love Right!” blog, read other dating-related Q’s&A’s and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

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Q: The woman I am dating is very confusing. She will promise to do something and I believe she really means it, and then goes out and either does not do what she promised and/or does the opposite.

This is starting to drive me nuts, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Can you help?

A: One of the main principles that has helped me through all of these years of working with people is this:

“Does the person’s behavior match their words?”

If the behavior of a person matches the words of the person, then there are grounds for trusting this person. If the behavior does not match the words, consistently over time, then those are strong grounds for not trusting someone.

If you are dating someone who consistently says one thing and then does another, this is a major red flag. Warning bells should be going off.

There is a word for consistently saying one thing and doing another.

It’s called lying.

The key phrase here is “consistent over time.” Most folks who say one thing, but do something else are also gifted at making excuses — another reason not to trust them. If you do not and cannot trust someone, what do you really have, besides potential heartache?

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more tips and tools for living the life you love with the love of your life.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

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