Often growing past a relationship means taking an inventory of what brough you into this relationship, and what brought you out of the relationship. Relationships with people that are toxic are more difficult in doing this inventory of what went wrong. When we are involved with someone that is toxic we often change what our natural ways of reacting are in relation to that other person.

So what do you do? Honestly, the best thing you can do is to forgive yourself, chances are you were doing the best that you could, and you made your decisions to stay within that relationship maybe longer than you should have. Forgiveness doesn’t need to involve that other person, you really never need to interact with someone that is toxic again, you simply much move forward with yourself.

Forgive yourself often, and for each thing you thought might have led you into that particular relationship. This is the only way you can ever really move past a bad relationship in your life. Simply forgive yourself and move forward and ontward into better relationships in the future.

Bad Relationship

When a relationship is out of synch
A real key in a relationship to both be on the same footing, and to have the same goals for the relationship. The longer it is for when the relationships are when they are out of synch, the more likely it is for the relationship to become toxic and unsustainable, but what do you do when this happens? You have choices to make, and these can be difficult choices to make in this relationship.

You can choose to remain in status quo, and most likely suffer from this consequence. Like a rubber band we can be stretched for only so long. When you have to operate outside of your personal norms and standards you may the daily grind of the relationship to be more than you can handle. The relationship may have enough payoffs that it makes it ok for you to go on with the relationship. You may get enough return out of this relationship to make this endurable, then again you have an option to end the relationship at any time, or you can even opt to make choices in this relationship later.

You can also choose to end the relationship. This really depends on what you get back out of your partner. Do you get anything positive out of your partner? Do you receive kindness, nurturing, or anything else that makes you feel good? If the negative transactions outweigh the positive ones it may be time to move on. Think of positive transactions as deposits into a checking out, and the negative transactions as deductions in the account. If you are always in the red, chances are you aren’t happy with the relationship and it may be time to move on.

Finally you can choose to make changes in the relationship. You can tell your partner what you are and aren’t happy with in the relationship. You can tell them what you want and desire from the relationship. Keep in mind; you can not bluff when it comes to this. Tell them you want more connectedness, or more time together, or knowing where you stand with them. If they listen, and receive your comments well, and agree to work on these issues, these are good signs. If they do not listen to you, and tell you they aren’t going to change, it is time to move on.

Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, mutual and one that you receive positive emotions from the other person. Sometimes we are out of synch in our closeness, and this may be due to ignorance of the other person, a mismatch in timing, or a mismatch in person. You hold the responsibility in driving a relationship where you want it to go. You will receive the type of relationship that you allow to happen. If you are out of step with that other person, strive to place the both of you in the same step and direction. You absolutely deserve a relationship that is rewarding for you.

Two out of three, while it aint bad, is like a stool with three legs and one leg is way shorter than the other. Things are always going to be unbalanced, and the party that is more engaged in the relationship than the other is always going to feel on edge, simply because they are on edge. What do you do at this point? If you want to hold on to yourself, and not waste time, you should openly discuss this with someone rather than sitting around waiting, and feeling like you are tolerated rather than being wanted. It is difficult to feel that you are barely tolerated and not wanted. When this is the case, the relationship is can not be sustained.

If you two have been together for awhile, and have had some good times and you may feel that this is only due to a stressful situation at work, or perhaps some emotional immaturity on that other person’s side. It may be possible that things can work out, and that relationship can turn back into balance. If after a conversaiton things to do fall back into place it is time to move on.

Relationships with difficult people, or even a narcisst leaves you so much more involved than a relationship with a more normal person. When those relationships break off it is more than the relationship that you break, you also let the dream die that the relationship had any possibility for a normal, healthy relationship. It is the realization of this that eats at our core.

Not only do you have the pain and angst of a relationship dying, you have the awful realization that you were involved with a person that was bad for you. There may have been times an points during that relationship when you knew things were going badly, but stayed in the relationship for the possible payoff that it may have had at times, or simply the possibility of a good payoff.

The payoff may have been something as simple as a good evening out with your mate, or it may have been something far more reaching, like marriage. It is always frustrating when dreams die. You may have been involved with this person for a long or possibly a short time. We carry our dreams from relationship to relationship so those dreams we may have associated with that person are far more deep rooted than our time involved with that person.

It may seem at times to let go of that person is the most difficult thing to do in the world. How do you stop thinking about them? How do you stop thinking about the dreams that you may have shared with that other person? You must simply cast off that person and let go when the relationship ends.

Try to visualize something that breaks. Think of your relationship as a pebble that you hold in your hand. As you toss it into a lake you see the ripples that it makes. Those ripples may make waves that wash over your feet, but realize that time has passed. Sometimes we need to let go of one thing, so we can hold something else in our hands.

Most relationships do not end with a happy ending. Some breakups are sad, some are neutral, and some leave you stunned. Why is it, when you break off a relationship with the wrong person, it stings even more? Being involved with Mr. Wrong seems to be the more difficult relationships, because there is not chance to relive the relationship and see what you could have done differently, you simply have to grieve the losses, and try to move on.

With people that we are normally mismatched with, we tend to know what those differences are easily. For example, say you don’t wish to have children, and that other person does, it is easy to say why the relationship will not work. Now, in cases where you are involved with Mr. Wrong, the lines aren’t always so clear. Mr. Wrong can leave you dumb founded with what went badly, its also a mismatch, but often we seem to try harder with some people to make a relationship work.

At times when we have a relationship with someone we invest a certain amount of time in with that person. We get to know them, their likes/dislikes, and we eagerly learn about their desires. With Mr. Wrong we so often invest more than that time, because the relationship is difficult. So the normal amount of energy goes into the relationship plus you add on the energy you spend in what is making the relationship difficult.

Since we are putting more energy into the relationship we have a larger investment into the relationship. This extra energy we have put into the relationship bonds us that much more into the relationship, and it is harder to break those ties. One thing to realize is that whether or not the energy is good or bad, as long as it is invested into the relationship, it is forging additional ties, ties that will be harder to break.

Mr. / Ms. Wrong is a difficult person to separate from. We will continue to play through in our head different scenarios of what could have or should have happened. We will continually work through situations with that other person and how we could have handled it differently. Chances are, very little would have worked out well. Sometimes just realizing that we are still playing through that relationship in our heads may be enough to help us break a few of those ties.

So, now that the relationship that went badly is over. Grieve what you lost, that person wasn’t all bad, but very few relationships are really meant to be. If you need to write down the things that went badly, write down lies that were told, large misunderstandings that should have never happened, and read that list from time to time. Use this has a guide to help you break those bonds with that person, so you can be free to move onto the right person.

In an article by the folks at pyschology today, they state that you have to pine for your lost love, and mourn the relationship, in order to get over the relationship. Failure to do this only means that you will continue to romantisize the relationship and keep it alive. So grab a tub (or two) of ice cream, cry your eyes out, and move on. The article states that once you get past the relationship, it will simply become a neutral topic to you.

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-19920101-000002.html

Stephanie

Whether you do the dumping or you are the one who got dumped, breakups are painful. If you initiated the breakup you may feel guilty, or question that you made the right decision. If you were the one who got dumped you may feel shocked, hurt, and angry. Breakups are painful for either party. There are things you can do to get through the breakup, to ease your pain. Sometimes breakups can bring a relationship closer together when both parties realize that they really were meant to be together, or they can be a blessing because you are no longer with the wrong person.

First thing you should do is acknowledge your feelings, its ok to feel sad, hurt, angry, and shocked. This was a relationship you spent time in. Live in the moment and allow yourself to cry if need be. Talk to your friends about your relationship, let them know how much you hurt; they may have advice for you that may be helpful. Additionally they may offer you some insight about your relationship that you did not see. You may want to spend the next several evenings/weekends at home taking extra good care of yourself. Watch television, lie in bed and eat ice cream, paint your nails, or try on a new hair style.

Keep busy. Yes, you are going to have to go through a difficult transition. Before you start dating other people consider revitalizing hobbies you may have put aside to be with your ex. You may want to invite over your girlfriends, and enjoy an evening watching movies, or cooking; heck you can have a slumber party. See if there are local events that you may want to go to, for example there might be cooking classes at a nearby store; museums often have special events, or taking a class on a hobby that you enjoy.

Do not call your ex. I know, this is the hardest part. Even if you really want to, resist. Employ your friends; call them instead of your Ex. Chances are in an emotional state you will not say what you really want to say. Wait on contacting your Ex for several weeks. Let the first wave of hurt and anger subside before you attempt to make contact. This may take a week, month, or longer before you are able to speak to them in a calm way.

Do not email, or send a letter to your Ex. Wait! Write the letter, write the email, but do not send it. Wait, you may want to burn the letter have you write it. Do not send it. Allow the initial pain to pass. You can always get in touch with your Ex later. The best revenge on an Ex is letting them think you are moving along and you are doing very well. You may want to keep a journal of your feelings, and write down all of your feelings so you can go back and organize your thoughts, and take a better look at your past relationship.

The pain of a breakup will eventually ease. Most people who have dated have been through a breakup or two, and they do know how you feel. Acknowledge your feelings, and let them out. Letting out your feelings either privately in a journal or with your friends will help you feel validated. Do not contact your Ex until the pain of the breakup goes away. If you are hurting you are not likely to say the right things, besides it better to let you’re Ex think that you’re doing well enough without them. You may want to consider renewing your relationship, so do not say anything that you might regret. You may also realize that this relationship was not meant to be, and it is time for you to move on. Remember, that the pain, the hurt, and the sadness will go away, while it may take longer than we like, keep in mind going through this may help make your next relationship better.