You may have long moved on from this topic but I was in search of some answers for this exact situation and I came across your blog. All I can say is thank goodness. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I thought may have been bipolar or perhaps a sociopath. It started out as a friendship, we had common interests. We are both very charitable and passionate about animals, giving back and taking less kind of people. So that was my biggest draw to him. How I turned a blind eye to the fact that he was over 40, had no friends, continually seem to be at odds with someone about something. He constantly spoke of exes as being unfaithful and mostly referring to one in particular from high school. But he was extremely intellegent and we shared the most interesting conversations and exchanged art work. He had very odd behaviors such as being impatient if we had a scheduled date. It would be 2 minutes after and he would call me asking why I was not there yet?? Then one day in particular I was ten minutes late and he went crazy calling me names, accusing me of being unfaithful. It caught me completely off guard but scared me enough to get into my car and leave. He called me and begged for me not to leave him, apoligized for his nutty behavior and claimed that he was terrible at relationships, that he was ugly and did not deserve my love. Well to a person such as myself I felt awful that he felt this way and swore I would work hard to break this cycle for him. Well needless to say months later and more abuse then I could take it was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. One day he would make me feel like I meant everything to him and the next like I was a no good for nothing one night stand. I could not figure it out. No matter how I pleaded with him to see that he needed help, he denied it and blame everything on me. If I had been on time, if I had taken his call so many if’s! Then one day I thought with all the accusing he was doing was it possible that he was the one with something to hide….I had jumped through fire for him, giving him my email and phone passwords to prove that I was faithful. So one day he ran into the store and left his phone in the car I checked his text messages and I swear I saw other numbers with a message of something personal but before I could read it he was back in the car. I decided to call him on it anyway, he started to sweat like I had never seen, it was running down his face. He would not show me his phone, in fact he was angry that I crossed that line, even though he had done it to me and found nothing. Needless to say he took me back to my car and we parted ways as I called him a liar. The next day he begged me,claiming that the messages were from the club we volunteered for. Which they could have been but I’ll never know. I could go on and on with other examples but what’s the point, right?
I had to get a restraining order because when I finally broke it off he became very threatening. All I feel right now is that he kept enough distance to make his stories of seeing other women possible (he would say that once a month when we would fight and break up), he also gave little as possible to make sure I felt used if I were to leave him, he made it easy for me to doubt everything I thought we were. After reading your blog is it safe for me to say that the love I thought he gave me was fake, that he was using me to feed his ego, feed his needs and he never truly cared about me at all. I have since felt sadness, anger, betrayed ..only wanting ..wishing for some satisfaction in knowing that he is suffering equally. But then I thought of course he is, how empty of a life he must live, feeling nothing real???

I’m sorry to hear how hard it has been on you to try and recover from your break up. I was married to a narcissist for 3 years. I have known him for approx. 4 years. There were signs from the beginning but I chose to ignore them thinking we all aren’t perfect. The questions you have to ask yourself if even though you loved this man so much from the beginning, do you always have to be the one to contact him, do you always have to be the one to say “sorry”, what is it that you do to always make him angry (ask him valid questions)??? Woopey doo! Any kind of NORMAL relationship that has love and respect in it wouldn’t have these questions, because when somebody loves you, they will chase you, they will make the effort to make things right, they will say “sorry” and THEY will answer any kind of valid questions you ask of them. You see you fell in love with a man that showed you every feeling and every emotion that satisfied your well being as a woman. Then as narcissist continue the relationship they get bored and always, always have to have the best and always want more because he had you why not shoot for even higher (in his eyes). You will never get closure with a narcissist because they love to leave that door open just in case you come running back to them. We feel like they discarded us like a piece of trash when in reality we are lucky to see him for who he really is. YOUR the better person and YOU ARE the lucky one that you didn’t have to endure such hell with him. It sounds like you have so much going for yourself that you deserve soooo much more! YOU DESERVE IT SUSAN! Don’t let your guard down, stay busy with your life and I mean really busy so you don’t have time on your hands to think about him. If you think about him think of all the bad things he has done to you. He isn’t worth it. YOU ARE!!!! I have gone through wanting to contact my ex-husband so many times. I have tried to email, txt and call him, but something always stops me from getting to that point. I found out what it is. I finally love myself so much that I can’t see myself suffering for something that I didn’t do, say or react on. I deserve happiness and I deserve somebody in my life that will value me as I would value them. So, Susan good luck and please refrain from contacting him, he doesn’t sound like a person that you DESERVE. GOOD LUCK!!

Oh you fortunate co-dependents that can go through a few month’s therapy and move on with your happy lives.

Find a cure for narcissism and the world will beat a path to your door.

Rick Shepard

So, by now, anyone reading this would be wondering why I had a lapse in memory and contacted him today. I’ve been asking myself this question too. The only answer that I can come up with right now…..when our relationship was going well, it was such an awesome relationship…in every way…friendship, companionship, sexually….everything. But, the moment I questioned or showed the least bit of frustration about anything, then he would turn cold or angry. I think this was when he wasn’t getting his narcissistic supply that he desparately needed.

I truly want to move on, but I know in my heart that I’m just not right with myself yet, and that wouldn’t be fair to start dating someone else when I’m like this. So here I am….an attractive 52 year old woman that normally doesn’t have trouble getting dates, have a good paying career, doesn’t hurt for money, have two wonderful grown sons that love me, have a beautiful granddaughter, and yet I’m sitting home alone on a Saturday night in emotional pain. This makes no sense to me. I’ve been asking myself “Why am I doing this to myself?” The truth is….I don’t have an answer, except maybe that this is going to take a long to recover because I believed in him in the beginning and gave him many, many chances, but he just can’t be a normal person, with normal feelings. He tried, but he could only keep up the act for 5-6 months at a time.

This whole situation is so very frustrating for me. I wish I had an answer or plan of action to help myself recover.

HOWEVER, I can honestly say I have not been more settled, happy, confident, satisfied and independent than I am now. I realize too that no loneliness I feel from time to time, compares to the abject loneliness I felt in the marriage. I can’t say I regret my children or my experiences that have brought me to the place I am, but there is a part of me that wishes I had known better, much like you. Count your blessings truly, as tough as that is. Sorry for your pain – but time really does help. take care and have confidence, you made a right decision.