How start breaking free from a narcissist
Are you with a narcissist? Does your life feel complicated beyond belief? Is all of your anxiety typically centered around one person? Do you find that person gives you standards that you can’t keep up with, because their standards change all of the time? You may be with a narcissist.
Life is a narcissist is a living hell. One thing is critical though, you must divorce yourself from getting self validation from this person. Secretly this person fears you. They will go out of their way to tear you down. They will tear you down on all fronts, the will not stop. They are compelled to do this. Their actions, while they may feel personal, are not personal.
Realize the narcissist is unable to make those deeper personal connections that normal people make. They are unable to make friendships, and love relationships the rest of the population makes. Instead, they offer interactions that may look like friendships and love relationships, but they are not the same. The narcissist must interact with people to feed their narcissism, but you are only a source to them.
What can you do? You need to learn to step away from the relationship. You must begin to break those ties that bind you together. Breaking this type of relationship can be very difficult, it may feel impossible. To save yourself you must learn to distance yourself from this person. This can be something as simple as realizing their put downs, their rages, and their fits are not personal. When the person acts up, you need to learn how to deflect their actions. Whether this means walking away, not responding, or another action, it is important that you do not feed into their misbehavior.
It is critical that you realize that in dealing with a narcissist, they are not normal people. It is unlikely that they can ever be reformed into normal people. You will have set your own boundaries and protective walls around yourself from that person. Once you start this, you will have more power in your situation with your narcissist. Ideally, one day you should walk away from the relationship, and no longer have any contact with this person. Breaking free of your narcissist can be done.
About Stephanie Manley
Kim and Steve Cooper’s websites LoveSafetyNet and narcisism cured really helped me to come to terms with my 20 year “situation” with my x and who is my son’s father. It helped me to leave knowing I had left no stone unturned… because I had once loved him so and felt the relationship was worth one more try… yet, I had to come to terms with the reality that he was getting worse(more abusive and erratic)and my son and I were truly in danger. He made no consistent effort to attend counseling or take responsibility for his behavior- ugh, the lying is so crazy making. I left to save my sanity and my son’s self worth.
Stephanie:
You may have long moved on from this topic but I was in search of some answers for this exact situation and I came across your blog. All I can say is thank goodness. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I thought may have been bipolar or perhaps a sociopath. It started out as a friendship, we had common interests. We are both very charitable and passionate about animals, giving back and taking less kind of people. So that was my biggest draw to him. How I turned a blind eye to the fact that he was over 40, had no friends, continually seem to be at odds with someone about something. He constantly spoke of exes as being unfaithful and mostly referring to one in particular from high school. But he was extremely intellegent and we shared the most interesting conversations and exchanged art work. He had very odd behaviors such as being impatient if we had a scheduled date. It would be 2 minutes after and he would call me asking why I was not there yet?? Then one day in particular I was ten minutes late and he went crazy calling me names, accusing me of being unfaithful. It caught me completely off guard but scared me enough to get into my car and leave. He called me and begged for me not to leave him, apoligized for his nutty behavior and claimed that he was terrible at relationships, that he was ugly and did not deserve my love. Well to a person such as myself I felt awful that he felt this way and swore I would work hard to break this cycle for him. Well needless to say months later and more abuse then I could take it was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. One day he would make me feel like I meant everything to him and the next like I was a no good for nothing one night stand. I could not figure it out. No matter how I pleaded with him to see that he needed help, he denied it and blame everything on me. If I had been on time, if I had taken his call so many if’s! Then one day I thought with all the accusing he was doing was it possible that he was the one with something to hide….I had jumped through fire for him, giving him my email and phone passwords to prove that I was faithful. So one day he ran into the store and left his phone in the car I checked his text messages and I swear I saw other numbers with a message of something personal but before I could read it he was back in the car. I decided to call him on it anyway, he started to sweat like I had never seen, it was running down his face. He would not show me his phone, in fact he was angry that I crossed that line, even though he had done it to me and found nothing. Needless to say he took me back to my car and we parted ways as I called him a liar. The next day he begged me,claiming that the messages were from the club we volunteered for. Which they could have been but I’ll never know. I could go on and on with other examples but what’s the point, right?
I had to get a restraining order because when I finally broke it off he became very threatening. All I feel right now is that he kept enough distance to make his stories of seeing other women possible (he would say that once a month when we would fight and break up), he also gave little as possible to make sure I felt used if I were to leave him, he made it easy for me to doubt everything I thought we were. After reading your blog is it safe for me to say that the love I thought he gave me was fake, that he was using me to feed his ego, feed his needs and he never truly cared about me at all. I have since felt sadness, anger, betrayed ..only wanting ..wishing for some satisfaction in knowing that he is suffering equally. But then I thought of course he is, how empty of a life he must live, feeling nothing real???
IT took me 8 years to figure out what a controlling, narcisistic, and manipulative man I married. For years he has put me down and rejected me because I didn't meet his physical standards after I gained 20 lbs after pregnancy. I was told to be thankful that he used porn and didn't go out with other women when I confronted him and told him that his porn addiction was hurting me. He is obsessed with appearances. Constantly staring at other women around me and giving me the mean, "I can't believe how you look" once over. He is so good at getting me to take the blame and do what he wants and think that it is my idea in the end, when it wasn't what I wanted at all.
Fight after fight that just shut me down and criticized my very existence. He constantly put me down for how I was raised (like I could change that!) I stopped talking to family and friends because he didn't like them, but he never told me not to talk to them, he just convinced me it was the best thing or guilted me.
I finally said we should separate and the monster grew! My spirit has been sucked out of me. I gave and gave to please and now I want to leave and it is so hard. I have a young son and I don't want to hurt him. boy does my husband use him against me when I say this must end.
When I say I want a divorce, my husband gets scary and says things that somehow make me back out. I feel like such a wimp. I don't know what to do. I want to leave, but then I don't because he mellows out. I need some XENA power or something. How do you divorce a narcissist?
I have to say that I am frightened by what I have been reading both here and on the internet. I am completely in love with a girl that I have dated before. For as long as I have known her, I have not been able to give her any type of criticism. Her view of the world is that EVERYONE but her is completely incompetent. When I offered the opinion that she might be a little judgemental she became extremely upset. I have learned that it is better just not to criticize her and just to go along with what she thinks to avoid confrontation and arguments. She is very unemotional and when I try to speak to her about sensitive or emotional subjects, she gets angry and tells me that I’m a baby or too emotional. I tell her that I love her and she insinuates as much to me, but will not say it to me. I am a very romantic person and my advances are met with contempt. She is only happy when I am doing things for her or spending money on her. When I ask for any type of affection she becomes annoyed. She definitely feels as though everyone is jealous of her and she dreams of being able to become wealthy and throw it in everyone elses face. For a long time I have just accepted this from her and adapted to it, however, I find myself constantly questioning whether or not I truly matter to her. I feel as though if I were to threaten to eliminate contact with her, she wouldn’t even care. I am terrified that I have invested and committed so much into our relationship that it means nothing to her. I intended on asking as to whether people thought that she might be narcissistic, but I guess I have answered my own question as I have written this. Is there no hope? I love her deeply and would do anything to save our relationship. I am sure if I showed her the definition of narcissism that she would deny that she possesses those traits and would be angry with me for assuming as much. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice is welcome.
Ladies and gentleman consider yourselves fortunate that you were only co-dependent on a narcissist. Your condition is treatable. Try to imagine for just a few minutes what it is like to actually be the person who never felt real love from their parents and therefore has no basis from which to operate from. Imagine being sentenced to live the one life your given in prison. Imagine knowing what most other people are able to have and knowing deep in your soul you were never allowed to have it and never will. Imagine being trapped in a box from day one, being forced to dance for your dinner every waking moment. Imagine never, ever, ever having anyone listen to you with empathy and not pity you for being born. Imagine never being close to another human being emotionally. Imagine having no real emotions. Imagine being afraid of your own shadow, having to brag constantly to feel alive. Imagine having to sigh or cough to even know your alive. Imagine being so dead inside and knowing that you were never really alive.
Oh you fortunate co-dependents that can go through a few month’s therapy and move on with your happy lives.
Find a cure for narcissism and the world will beat a path to your door.
Rick Shepard
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 16 months. I knew something was wrong after he moved in with me at month 5. That’s when a friend told me he sounded like he had NPD. And yes, he does. I stayed, foolishly, through the habitual lying, the womanizing (and every time he had an “explanation”), the inability to experience intimacy and all the selfishness. Then one day in January 2009, he punched me in the eye during an argument (he was drunk — surprise! They are usually drug/alcohol abusers, too.) He moved out and on our court date, I dropped all the charges (dumb) but kept a restraining order (smart). We kept seeing each other off and on and finally, yesterday after weeks of his manipulating ways, I told him our relationship was no longer productive and that I no longer wanted to be a part of it. (I’ve also been going to therapy which has been amazing.) So there. He keeps calling and texing and the beautiful thing is I am ignoring his calls and not responding to his texts. And I am happy about it. I’ve cried many tears along the way and can’t express how relieved I am that I am free. I have been waiting for this day for many months. Don’t wait, girls. You could be injured severely or dead. They are highly unstable men.
hi i’ve discovered that i am a codependant and through this discovery i am living with a narcisstist. and its a total nightmare. i am leaving him 2 moro for the hundred time over the last 7 yrs and i finally have the tools to do so from reading this blog. i love him so much but there is nothing of me left.i meet my old friends and i know they look at me in disbelief because i have changed so much. i have let myself go so much and am an emotional wreck.i can’t go into the delails of all he has done to me over the yrs it would take too long and i don’t have the energy.i know there is hope anything is better than this. my children have been effected badly by this situation so i have to rebuild there lives as well as my own.i told my partner what he is and he did look it up but never said a word.he thinks i am the only one with a problem and that im the mental case.know i have a long rd ahead .wish me luck.
I think I screwed up today….in fact I know I did. It’s been a little over a month since I ended my relationship with my narcissistic fiance and I was missing the good times really bad today, so I texted him and told him that I would like to talk. Then I said “Would that be possible?” He texted me back and said “No”. Of course, this was just another blow to me…and I feel very silly for writing/texting him. I should have known better. We have known each other for 3 years and this was our third breakup. Our relationship was always good for about 5-6 months each time we reconciled, then it would take a turn for the worse. We would end up arguing, etc., because I would become so very frustrated with his hot/cold, on/off attitude. It drove me crazy! This last time that we reconciled he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, then two weeks later he told me that we weren’t “officially engaged”. Of course, that upset me greatly. Then he told me that he wanted to wait another six months before even making any wedding plans. At that point I had just about had it with him. Also, everything was always my fault. Always. When I tried to talk to him about my side/situation, he would become extremely angry. It was as if he couldn’t see my point of view on anything.
So, by now, anyone reading this would be wondering why I had a lapse in memory and contacted him today. I’ve been asking myself this question too. The only answer that I can come up with right now…..when our relationship was going well, it was such an awesome relationship…in every way…friendship, companionship, sexually….everything. But, the moment I questioned or showed the least bit of frustration about anything, then he would turn cold or angry. I think this was when he wasn’t getting his narcissistic supply that he desparately needed.
I truly want to move on, but I know in my heart that I’m just not right with myself yet, and that wouldn’t be fair to start dating someone else when I’m like this. So here I am….an attractive 52 year old woman that normally doesn’t have trouble getting dates, have a good paying career, doesn’t hurt for money, have two wonderful grown sons that love me, have a beautiful granddaughter, and yet I’m sitting home alone on a Saturday night in emotional pain. This makes no sense to me. I’ve been asking myself “Why am I doing this to myself?” The truth is….I don’t have an answer, except maybe that this is going to take a long to recover because I believed in him in the beginning and gave him many, many chances, but he just can’t be a normal person, with normal feelings. He tried, but he could only keep up the act for 5-6 months at a time.
This whole situation is so very frustrating for me. I wish I had an answer or plan of action to help myself recover.
Susan,
I’m sorry to hear how hard it has been on you to try and recover from your break up. I was married to a narcissist for 3 years. I have known him for approx. 4 years. There were signs from the beginning but I chose to ignore them thinking we all aren’t perfect. The questions you have to ask yourself if even though you loved this man so much from the beginning, do you always have to be the one to contact him, do you always have to be the one to say “sorry”, what is it that you do to always make him angry (ask him valid questions)??? Woopey doo! Any kind of NORMAL relationship that has love and respect in it wouldn’t have these questions, because when somebody loves you, they will chase you, they will make the effort to make things right, they will say “sorry” and THEY will answer any kind of valid questions you ask of them. You see you fell in love with a man that showed you every feeling and every emotion that satisfied your well being as a woman. Then as narcissist continue the relationship they get bored and always, always have to have the best and always want more because he had you why not shoot for even higher (in his eyes). You will never get closure with a narcissist because they love to leave that door open just in case you come running back to them. We feel like they discarded us like a piece of trash when in reality we are lucky to see him for who he really is. YOUR the better person and YOU ARE the lucky one that you didn’t have to endure such hell with him. It sounds like you have so much going for yourself that you deserve soooo much more! YOU DESERVE IT SUSAN! Don’t let your guard down, stay busy with your life and I mean really busy so you don’t have time on your hands to think about him. If you think about him think of all the bad things he has done to you. He isn’t worth it. YOU ARE!!!! I have gone through wanting to contact my ex-husband so many times. I have tried to email, txt and call him, but something always stops me from getting to that point. I found out what it is. I finally love myself so much that I can’t see myself suffering for something that I didn’t do, say or react on. I deserve happiness and I deserve somebody in my life that will value me as I would value them. So, Susan good luck and please refrain from contacting him, he doesn’t sound like a person that you DESERVE. GOOD LUCK!!
Susan, Sorry for you pain and your difficult break up – to comfort yourself, continue to tell yourself (as I do) that there is No Way this relationship would have worked out, NONE. There is no matter of self sacrifice, no amount of understanding, patience or anything else that you can offer that will make this work – your dream has ended and that hurts, but better now that 5 or 10 years into your marriage when circumstances, children and finances would complicate things.
I have been separated for over a year, a nasty divorce is imminent, I am in a low income bracket, live month to month, trying to rebuild my credit, my education and my life – I am raising kids on my own and sometimes feel the loneliness of doing it on my own. Hardly the life I imagined when I married a successful, educated, devoted, man.
HOWEVER, I can honestly say I have not been more settled, happy, confident, satisfied and independent than I am now. I realize too that no loneliness I feel from time to time, compares to the abject loneliness I felt in the marriage. I can’t say I regret my children or my experiences that have brought me to the place I am, but there is a part of me that wishes I had known better, much like you. Count your blessings truly, as tough as that is. Sorry for your pain – but time really does help. take care and have confidence, you made a right decision.
Thank you to everyone. I think I’m finally understanding that this is more than I can handle alone and that there is no shame in that fact. It is sad, but time to face the facts.
You know, this isn’t an easy fix, there is no solid list available if you do these 10 things that everything will be better soon. Advice that I can offer.
1. Be around positive and nurturing people, if they aren’t, don’t hang out with them right now.
2. Remind yourself of the bad times, write them down, that way when you start feelings soft towards that person, you have in black and white what was so bad in that relationship.
3. Take extra good care of yourself, nurture yourself, bubble baths, hold a puppy, do things that make you feel good about yourself.
4. Take time to decompress, and forgive yourself.
It does get better, but it isn’t easy, nor does it happen instantly.
I can relate very well to Christopher’s situation above. In fact, it felt like I was reading my own story when reading his. My problem now……it’s been three weeks since I ended it with my narcissistic fiance and I’m having a very hard time. Like Christopher, the first few days were such a relief, but now I’m having depression, anger, etc. I miss the good part of our relationship very much. I’m trying to remind myself of why I ended it with him, but it’s becoming harder and harder everyday. I know the reasons behind my decision, but I just didn’t know it would be this difficult now. Does anyone have any comforting words or ideas for me? I need some help to get through this.
I just finally stood up for myself and ended a relationship with my best friend of six years. Not only was she my best friend, but she was my roomate and we shared a room. I am stuck paying my share of the rent because I cannot get out of the lease and refuse to live in the toxic environment anymore. It has taken months of therapy for me to end this relationship and still feel confused about the whole situation, regretful and heartbroken and feel that it is the narcisissm that makes me feel crazy I am a victim of a narcistic relationship and have just realized it. I will not be sad or hurt anymore, because it is my friend that has a disorder, not me!
My story reads like so many others – I was married to a Narcissist for 11 years. I was young and fell head over heels with the most interesting, charming, intellegent man I had ever met. We were quickly engaged and married. There were many exciting times, but like so many of you, I felt I was going crazy, nothing was good enough, I could never say the right thing while trying to comfort him (and he did need comforting often) I would try to keep track of what he wanted me to say for the ‘next time’ only to find that wasn’t good enough either. The emotional/mental abuse began right away, albeit subtle at first. I have been drilled as to how I could have used so much paper towel over the course of two days, to being blamed for his not advancing in his career (he is highly intellengent as well as highly educated, but had over the course of our marriage been fired several times). When he loved me, I was the closest thing to heaven for him, but when I fell short (most of the time) he made me feel like a charity case in his sight. His emotions were all over the place, his threats to take his life were often. Our lives were like a roller coaster ride, the only good thing about his blowing up at me was I knew I was in the clear for a few days. After many difficult years (especailly around holidays), we separated (he couldn’t stand being with me anymore), only to be talking about reuniting before I actually got on the plane. We were separated for a few months which helped me to see just how crazy my life had been. I did try again, but this time with a little more knowledge – I wanted our marriage to work so badly. I lasted three months, this time I realized I had to leave, it was the hardest thing I had ever done, I left with next to nothing. It was a nightmare, but in retrospect the nightmare was coming to an end. It has taken me a long time to get to the place I am now, with the help of family (his and mine), friends, councillors and books, I am 100% better than the tattered, shell shocked woman I was a couple of years ago. Circumstances as they are he will never be out of my life, however, dealing with him is made much more simple when it is only from time to time. I still care about this man, more like a difficult child than a husband; but I realize that for all my efforts, it was never going to work, these people can not love, not really in the way regular people do. I have been told that victims of these people should not take what is said to them personally, I wish I had known that at 25, pretty difficult anyway when the attacks are being directed at you. These people should not as they can not be in a real relationship. As lovible as they are, look after yourself and stay/get away, the abuse is only ever going to get worse, believe me.
One month ago, I ended my friendship with a female classmate (grew up together) who is an extreme Narcissist. I am starting to puzzle myself and starting to understand why all my classmate and other friends do not get along with this Narcissist. I lost contact with everyone for 5 years, except one close friend (who kept me as a secret for years without anyone knowing). I spend a lot of time focusing on helping my parents coping with their illness. Last year when my mother passed away, I decide to invite this Narcissist back into my life as I need support during the difficult time and I had my mother’s funeral on my 26th birthday.
I invited this Narcissist back in my life as a friend because I heard from this close friend. This Narcissist was happy, had a good job, lives on her own and was over with her break-up with an EX. I thought she may had changed for good from her attitude during high school. OH BOY, i was completely blind.
What happens is that this Narcissist is so demanding of my time, requires me to tell her everything (even any rumor/gossips about other people) to her. It all started last spring (May 2008). Before that, I helped her a lot by dealing with her grief over her break-up that occurred in March 2007)and i got nothing in return with my mother’s death. All she said that I understand. She still acts like a nice lady.
I remember one event, I already knew her EX had broken up with other female friend. I did not tell this Narcissist, when this Narcissist found out, she immediately came to my house and tell me this exciting news. She realized that I already knew (she is a social worker/mental health worker) and got really pissed off that I did not tell her. The reason was that I did promised someone else because the news wasn’t announced yet. She used “Betrayed” word all the time to make me feel guilty.
After that, she became more demanding to make sure I tell her what my plans are: malls, shopping, visiting relatives, etc. This Narcissist gets angry easily if I do not tell her where exactly I go. An event did happened on July 1st (Canada Day), i was cleaning my apartment before heading out to a relative’s for the party. This Narcissist was very rude saying that “It turns me off when people say ‘i’m going out’ without telling me where exact they’re going” I was so upset then I did not go to my relative’s party, I went ahead to a close friend to vent out. Am wondering if that is normal for the Narcissist person to do that?
At that time I feel like that I’m in a sexual relationship (boy/girlfriend) with this Narcissist. I was so upset that made me block this Narcissist for two weeks on MSN. One day this Narcissist showed up at my house while I was peacefully doing my gardening, she said why block me? you betrayed me, and it was all misunderstandings, and she mentioned that she send me a message from her Blackberry to my email that she’s going to stop by. I never got any.
I was ready to enter my world (to meet old friends, classmates, etc), I mention to this Narcissist, the names of two friends who I’d like to see, she recommend me not to because of those two old friends have an awful attitude. I kinda of put that part in my mind (withholding) it until the right time.
One day, this Narcissist came to my close friend’s house/who I introduced to this Narcissist. I showed this Narcissist the renovation work (new floors, painting) I’ve done at my close friend’s house and what experiences I have learned. She wasn’t even interested in the colours, all she cares on who helped. I mentioned few people with my close friend’s permission.
One week later, we (close friend and I) found out that this Narcissist has already spread the rumor and backstabbed us, she even backstab my close friend that she is a lousy teacher. We kept this as a secret for one month, we have done our investigation to make sure who spreaded the rumor. My close friend only invited 5 peopls into her home during the renovations, none of them had mention anything to anyone, except this bitch Narcissist did started it.
I have fought with this Narcissist for almost 12 hours (5 days) on MSN, all she did was deny that she did start it and puts the blame on someone else. She even put me down, my self-esteem went down, my happiness/joyful is gone. She even used my mother’s death against me, insults me being the one who is EGOist, degrading people, likes to put people away from me.
ALL I WANT is to let her go and she blames my close friend for breaking our friendship which is 100% false. All it has done by this Narcissist, herself.
A little she know is that I ended the friendship by (removing all her family members off my MSN list, blocked all their emails-moved all of it into the block list) two weeks ago because I was afraid to cling to this Narcissist again.
Am I Narcissist or is She ? (this is confusing me)…
Thank you for all of your help. Sorry for long message.
Evan.
anyone ever had to deal with an adult child (29) who is a narcissist? cant hold a job, no friends, still living at home..any suggestions about how to throw an adult narcissist daughter out of the house????
I was in a five year relationship with a narcissist. I spend three of the five years ending it. Lots of therapy and setting boundries hurt mentally and physically. I’ve been out of the relationship for two years now and although he has moved on to another woman he continues to call every now and then and leaves ‘I love you’ messages. I never answer or return his calls. My problem is that this man has broken my ‘spirit’. Before meeting him I was a confident woman inside and out. Now although I know I’m successful and I have a lot to offer I am unable to allow myself to become involved with any man. I see myself in a different light. Any suggestions on how to regain the confidence I once had? I have not even dated….
Wow.
I am not alone.
I knew there were serious defeciency in how my man ‘felt’ the world and those around him.
I felt his mates were actually his audience. He surrounded himself with people that only agreed with his views. He dominated every conversation he ever held.
He was always right, never wrong. The household was set up to his sleeping waking eating schedules and boy watch out if you interrupted this. Of course i cooked the dinner, made the bed and crept around like a mouse if i dared be awake before him. Of course if i was asleep it did not matter.
All arguments became life/death situations and often i could not understand where all this malice came from.
My sister was donating a kidney, i was worried, he went out with the boys and screamed at me that he had the right.
I was always hearing about his rights. Of course i had none, only responsibilities.
My friend died, i cried, he turned the TV up.
All day every day i had a running commentary on how i should do things, how i should feel and what i should beleive in. his opinions somehow magically translated to fact for him.
We never rejoiced in my successes and now i can see the real threat he perceived it as. His special days had to be acknowledged though.
I can not remember the last girl DVD i watched – i could not choose.
Music was his choice, or otherwise i weathered a temper tantrum that could involve ranting/raving/insulting/threats/intimidation for up to an hour.
My money was ours to share, his money was his to do as he pleased.
I coud go on for ever, although I don’t believe i need to as many people visiting here already know the overt and covert ways of a narcisist.
In the beginning i was wounded and he was charming. I needed someone and guess he could see that.
I beleived he was misunderstood, not so – i just misunderstood.
As i became more independent, the more abusive the relationship became.
Eleven days ago i snapped and told him to leave. This is after seven years of living with this man, he left of course directing the ‘scene’ – i don’t care i am glad he is gone -i have not contacted him at all (very different from other splits with him, of which there have beeen many).
This is the end of the road for me.
I have been reading and realise there is nothing i can do to assist this man and besides that i no longer want negative people in my life.
For me an invisible non-negotiable boundary has been crossed.
I am still angry at him and at me for making a huge error in judgement.
But I am excited to be alone at last.
My day is peaceful.
I don’t have to think through every thing just in case i upset the ever present cranky ‘superior’ being.Just in case I break todays rules.
I too have written a log of fifty instances/reasons why i shall stay away forever.
I am 43 and counting him and my last relationship i have spent ten years with a controlling, abusive presence – now it is time for me to actually find out who i am.
What a relief that I finally have found the strength to stay away. A shutter has come down, i realise there is nothing for me to do except cease any contact
One last thing i would like to say is : abuse doesn’t lessen, it only increases over time.
No-one can love a person out of being abusive.
from serendipity
I have found this to be so interesting and to discover that it is not me at all. After 34 yrs of marriage, I often told him I am worth more than this and I am.
Thank you for all of this
Hi All,
Here is my post from another site “Getting Past Your Past”, you might want to visit it..Get out of the relationship with the N-Narcissist, NC – No Contact will give you the strength…
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/
THE POST WAS “HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”
my response was..
I am fairly new here maybe 3 months and mostly reading before posting anything. I found this site by doing a google search about getting over a breakup/heartbreak FAST. Yes, I wanted to know how to get instant results so I could get back to being to happy, life loving me again. What I found out is that there is no instant cure and it takes hard work and for that I am grateful and willing to get this thing right.
My story is very much like Faith’s; I had just come to the end of the craziness of a relationship with someone who I now believe is a Narcissist. I have never felt so drained by what I thought was love ever before. I was sucked dry, my needs never met, no empathy, support or even an understanding word of what I needed in my life. In the first year my close friends saw what it took me two more years to see which was that man was not good for me of to me. I was on a complete high for the first 3 months when we first started dating, he was everything I thought I wanted….A dream come true. That was until I tried to get him to open up with what I call intimate conversation, he would not…after a few months he told me “We are emotionally incompatible” that was a new one for me and I thought I could fix it. How wrong I was, he started telling who he was and I would not listen. Words like “A man is only as faithful as his options”, “Woman are OK as long as they don’t talk too much.”. He never talked about any long term past relationships and the #1 problem is that he would never commit to the relationship. Whenever I talked about commitment he became defensive, rude and would point out my flaws. There were so many red flags I could have opened a store and sold them and been rich right now. I think it was either my ego or codependency that told me I should stay, that he was just a wounded, jaded soul and we can make this work. SO THE DANCE WAS ON…I would be miserable, tried to pull away and stay away, I would call him and the dance would continue, he would act like he missed me and we would make up and in less that 3 weeks or so it would be miserable again. Nothing please him and no matter what he always sarcastic, mean and verbally abusive. He would withhold sex/ intimacy to punish and manipulate situations…This man is a textbook Cerebral Narcissist. Used and abused me and then discarded me…All my fault.
Throughout the entire relationship nothing ever felt right for me and when I would try to address it he would flip on me, like what I was asking for was unrealistic and that I was being needy. I was confused about where I stood with him, everyone and everything was more important then me and because he would not talk to me we spent many hours in silence together. I walked on eggshells and it is funny because he told me he felt that he had to do that with me because I was so sensitive. Yeah right..I was trying to have a healthy adult relationship with a N, Completely impossible. I found out he was on daily anxiety medication after he ended the relationship he told me; what a way to open up right there at the end, how sweet! I own my part in this and I know that my being drawn to him has to do with my dysfunctional past, father abandonment and narcissistic mother.
Through being here ,being NC for good now, reading Susan’s amazing heartfelt post, doing the grief work, jounaling, the supportive network here and may bottles of red wine
, I am stronger and feeling so much more alive. I have finally detached from my blood sucking banana-head narcissistic ex. I am comfortable and have embraced my single life again. I am no longer sad, confused and feeling beat down everyday. I am coming back to life and I feel it. Thank you all for sharing and caring about being happy, healthy and whole. I know our futures are bright- BREAK OUT THOSE SUNGLASSES…
Big CoCoa Holiday Hugs and Kisses to you All, 2009 is going to be one Hell of a YEAR..
After a pretty devasting Christmas holiday I again find myself trying to help myself cope with being married to a narcissist. He is a PhD psychologist to boot. I completely understand the personality disorder and know he has it. What I can’t seem to do anything about getting myself out. For over twenty years now I have let myself be bullied and squashed and now feel utterly paralysed with fear to do anything about it.
My husband has now moved on to another level of abuse and that is extreme neglect. He spends up to ten hours per day in second life running around with a bow and arrow on some medievil island. I am so lonely I am at my wit’s end.
I really need some help coping.
Hi Stephanie, thank you for your wise comments. This is the same girl who left 3 last comments. It seems to me that I’m generally attarcted to narcisistic type… I’m looking back at my past relationships. The guys I usually fall in love with have a high count of narcisistic qualities. Is there hope for me, do you think, to find a ‘normal’ great guy?
If you think about it, it isn’t surprising that this type of person acts out or when they will act out. Just think if anything is taking away attention from them, well that is when it is likely for them to act out.
Stephanie, thank you for the comment about the acting out around the holidays and special events. I didn't know that. Now it explains the timing of all of his strange 'phases' & 'withdrowals'. Unbelievable.
Let me just add that the holidays might have made your partner act out. Mine always began to act out right before a holiday/birthday/special event. It was almost like clockwork that it was going to happen.
To the girl who left a comment above mine & of course to everyone interested. I've been dating my Mister Magnificent for over 9 months. It was about after first 3 months I've accidently learned about NPD. It explained all the bizzare withdrowals & sudden passionate outbursts, control, jealosy, absolute illiteracy and ignorance about feminine sexuality, needs, emotions etc. I should have 'run for my life', but, feeling deeply in love, I just couldn't. I had to stay longer hoping that his NPD is not that bad. We had a lot of fun and for awhile seeminly 'normal' relationship. Untill 2 weeks ago. He went into his 'withdrawal phase' again. Suddenly I woke up from the strangest dream feeling absolutely exhosted, drained from this emotional roller coaster. In 9 months I didn't have a single time when he would do anyhting for me sexually. He never even asked if I liked what was happening. The same with emotional issues, the same with a lot of other things. The bottom line is it is very hard to brake away from loving a narcisist. They are very good at making you belive that you are in a very special relationship. That you should feel Honored being with them. Stay in it till you cant take it no more, or while you feel you are getting something out of it. But unless you are a pathological mashochist, you'll run away at some point. Good luck.
hi everyone-
Just discovered narcissism as a psychological disorder two days ago when I typed in “I feel crazy” and the first thing that popped up was an article about how being with a narcissist can make one feel insane. Since then my brain has been spinning, and I know I need to break off the relationship I have been in for almost three months . . . thank God it wasn’t longer. Unfortunately, I am feeling vulnerable and confused . . knowing I must end this relationship, but not knowing how . . . almost wishing it wasn’t true . . . still calling him . . . hoping I can still feel some of the love and adoration I felt from him in the beginning of the relationship . . . ect ect. . .looking for support.
Thank all of you for your comments. I’ve been engaged to a narcissist for over a year and been with her for almost 2 years total. All of the comments from other readers truly help me realize I’m not the insecure and weak person my fiance paints me to be. When I try to talk with her about anything involving emotional intimacy she immediately gets angry and says I am a weak man and ends the conversation as quickly as she can. Anytime we have a conversation on anything other than superficial subjects she gets angry and is usually condescending in the way she talks to me. Even when I tell her I love her (which I’m learning that Narcissists usually react negatively to) she doesn’t respond with the usual thank you or I love you too….I’m having a tough time leaving this relationship, but reading all the other stories I realize it’s not if, but when I leave. I have to get out and I appreciate all the other stories. I must be strong.
I have spent over a week researching narcissism and narcissistic abuse and by the grace of God, have finally come to understand (and I mean FULLY understand) what it is and how extremely toxic and dehabilitating it is to be in a relationship with a narcisst.
A week ago today I ended my relationship with a Narcissist (or at least told him I needed a break – little does he know it is going to be permanent). We had been together for 4 (tumultuos) years. It took me that long to figure him out and it cost me in so many ways – I gave him everything – mind, body and soul and my life centered around him and his issues (and he had many!), I cried on every trip we ever went on, I lost my self esteem, I lost my value. I questioned every decision I made and slowly began to feel like my feelings and thoughts were “incorrect”. It was a horrible, slow, destruction that happened behind the scenes, without me knowing what was happening. I felt like I was going insane. And of course, no one else could relate or understand. I also discovered that I am co-dependent – a narcisst’s dream come true. He couldn’t have found a more perfect “victim”. No wonder he was the one who never had any issues with the relationship; he was getting exactly what he needed all of the time, and then some.
How it affected me? Don’t ask him, he couldn’t even tell you what my favorite color was. I never got my emotional needs met – never. Whenever I confronted him about him being selfish, self-centered or any other thing he perceived to be “negative” he would respond with anger.
A little over a week ago I was feeling just so over the whole “its all about me” thing with him. (and yes, believe it or not, we were actually talking marriage at this point). I said to him “I’m in a really bad place right now. I need you to do something thoughtful for me, something that doesn’t involve you”. His reply “Oh, you mean something other than the $1000 purse I just bought you?” (which, by the way was about 4 weeks ago and was for my BIRTHDAY!!!). He could never comprehend “thoughtfulness”. After 4 years, he didn’t even know me. Looking back, I made it easy for him, on Birthdays or Christmas, I always told him what I wanted. All he had to do was write a check and he was “off the hook”. He didn’t have to think, or be thoughtful. My mistake.
Because this disorder is not always blatant, it is usually very hard to put a finger on exactly what’s wrong (even though you can’t sleep, have trouble concentrating at work and wake up anxious on a daily basis) – you know that something is wrong.
Researching the disease gave me knowledge, and the knowledge gave me power and understanding which I then used to make the break. As I said, its only been 1 week (I’ve broken up with him about 10 times before, each time I went back because he manipulated me and said the right things). This time its different. I know too much. I know better. I am encased in a suit of armor that instead of being made of steel, its made of knowledge. I refuse to continue to provide him with his “supply” and get nothing in return. Did that for 4 yrs and I am not going to provide him with that anymore. I am also reaching out to everyone I can for support (which is extremely hard for me). I’ve emailed friends and although most dont know why I am ending the relationship, I just reached out and said “I am going thru an extremely difficult time right now, can you please check in on me once in a while and be part of my support system?”. Again, totally not me but I know from experience that it takes more than “I dont want to see you anymore” to break up with a narcisstic. I equate it to fighting a war; you have to have a strategy, a support system (my army) and military intellgence (gathering of information re: the disorder).
What has also helped me stay the course and not cave is … I wrote down a bunch of incidents where his narcissism was blatant (like when I was over his house one day, wanting to spend some time reading and mentioned to him that I was cold. Instead of him offering to make it warmer inside, he would go about his day while I was banished to the outdoors to read – 90 degree’s and sweating). Hey, as long as he was comfortable. Whevener I feel sad or feel like caving in, I just go back and read this log. That’s all I need. Its an in your face reminder of the life that I lived for too long. For me, these days are hard because I had such hope for him. I know that he is a good person and means well. I feel so sad for him because he is sick and will never be able to achieve a truly deep intimate close relationship with anyone – what a horrible way to go thru life.
A week ago I stopped by his house to tell him that I needed a break and wanted no contact from him, I gave him the book “Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist” and told him to read it. Of course, I heard today, thru his therapist that he read thru the book and was mad because he has “only a few of the characteristics” and … he also said “I don’t know what her problem is”. There’s my validation. I thought my love could change him. I was wrong. The only thing it changed was me – and not in a good way. Stay strong. Stay gone. Save yourself. He will take everything from you and then some. Thanks for letting me share my story.
Thank you to all who have left comments, these are very enlightening. I have been in a very stressful relationship that I have tried to end for a year and a half. He uses charm, guilt, money, anything and everything to keep me with him until basically he’s done with me. I see it and fear it. He wants to marry me but I don’t trust him, at all. It’s very clear I’m a tool for whatever he needs at the moment. Won’t let me go but can’t stand me for who I am. I hate the roller coaster ride more than anything. I am normally strong, intelligent etc…… what is going on!!!
Thank you for making this website. I recently had to end a nine-month relationship with a beautiful, charming, intelligent, successful, extremely talented, extremely sexy, and extremely interesting woman because she was constantly correcting me (often when she was factually incorrect), constantly critiquing me, and regularly saying things that struck me as being either thoughtlessly hurtful or else passive-aggressively hurtful. When I would try to gently, patiently but firmly tell her that she'd said something that had really hurt my feelings, she would condescendingly explain that I had misinterpreted her, that I didn't have faith in her motivations, and that if I wasn't so insecure and afflicted with low self-esteem I wouldn't misinterpret (and thus allow myself to feel hurt by) what she had said. When I would confront her with details that supported my assertion that regardless of her intentions, what she'd said had come out sounding very hurtful, she would shake her head sadly and tell me it was unfortunate that I was petty enough to carry vindictive, picky details around in my head just to try to corner her with them, and that she was uncomfortable with the self-loathing she was hearing in my words (which would definitely be appropriate for her to say if I'd been cutting myself down in front of her… but I wasn't! I was trying to make it clear that she'd said something that hurt me!). She always had a very, very hard time admitting to mistakes, or saying she was wrong, or saying she was sorry, or admitting that she needed help, or admitting that she needed sympathy; and I never understood why all this was. I began to have serious and steadily-rising concerns and worries about what it could mean- and what it could mean for our future together, despite the fact that she very much wanted to move in with me & get married, and wanted the same but was beginning to have misgivings. Over the course of months, these problems gradually became more and more apparent, finally leading me to realize that a) something was very wrong, b) my hurt feelings never seemed to mean anything to her, c) I felt taken for granted almost all of the time, d) my peacemaking attempts consistently resulted in me having to bear most of the blame for a disagreement, and e) I had done all I could but I wouldn't be able to take it much longer. I took us to two sessions with a relationship counselor but those sessions resulted in my girlfriend accusing the counselor and me of ganging up on her- and she found flaws with many of the counselor's observations. Finally, I broke us up- and she was shocked. We had a post-break-up limbo that lasted almost six weeks, during which time we still acted like a couple, but we finally made the real, true break a few weeks ago. The first few days were a joyous relief for me; then the next few days were sad, and surprisingly during the days after that I began to feel the pain of longing- which deepened into the sharp pain of doubt and regret. With the help of many caring, generous friends, I'm now riding out the unpleasant, painful days and weeks (hopefully not months, but maybe months) of what feels like hardcore substance withdrawal, and it's been utterly humbling- because although rationally I remember all of the reasons I broke us up (and good god, I was the one who broke us up!), my "heart" (or rather, some emotional part of my brain) has been causing me to remember everything I liked & loved about her- making me miss her intensely and reducing me to tears. A friend who heard my descriptions of her behavior suggested she might have "narcissistic traits", which led me to look up the psychological meaning of the term "narcissism". I was simultaneously shocked, relieved, terrified, and devastated by what I found: the resemblances between my now ex-girlfriend's behaviors and those of someone with so-called "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" were overwhelming. Before I encountered these terms "Narcissism" and "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" (or NPD), there was only a nameless gulf that existed between her perceptions of reality and mine; and while this was very frustrating & painful & demoralizing to me, even after we broke up I still held onto some hope that maybe someday there would be a way for us to find some common ground, close the gap, and perhaps even get back together. However, now that it seems very clear that she is a very good candidate for this "NPD", I feel like there IS no hope, there never WAS any hope, and there never WILL BE any hope, that we could ever close this bizarre gulf and really be together. I feel like I've just lost someone I love to either Alzheimer's Disease or autism; or perhaps less devastating, I'm realizing I fell in love with a beautiful, wonderfully appealing shell, without having any access to what lives inside of that shell. It's a terribly, terribly sad, painful, unsettling, and upsetting experience. I’m now doing my best to move on, and reading pages like this one is really helping me feel like I'm not alone in having an unfortunate experience like this. Thank you again, and sorry this message is so long.
after 40 years i am breaking it off and find the problem is my grown children especially a daughter has said she will not have anything further to do with me–has anyone else had their closest who should be supportve turn the blame on the one getting away.
Good luck with breaking away, it is very difficult to excercise these people out of your lives. It was one of the most difficult things I had to do was to get that man out of my life. Stay strong!
I’ve spent the whole day reading up on this and have realised that Ive spent 3 years with a narcissist. I’ve spent so long looking for an answer and finally have some understanding of why He’s like he is. I feel emotionally worn down and constantly tired. The critisism is never ending, the emotional battery is constant and his bizarre ideals have had me questioning and even trying to change my own beliefs for so long now. I have tried to break free of this person but he wont let me go. He is completely void of all emotion and doesnt seem to care whether im dead or alive but on the 2 occasions i have left, he has focused completely on begging me back, telling me how he loves me and my love for him has caused me to return to the same situation. Im at such a low ebb right now that im on anti-depressants and have been in hospital recently as I had a nervous breakdown as a result of his behaviour. I’m now going to work towards distancing myself and ultimately getting out of this awful situation. Thankyou so much for your blog!
I was dumped by a narcissist. Let me tell you – it was one terrible experience. So, my advice – write a book about it and expose the narcissist for what a sham they are.
—
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
the book by Kent Daniel Glowinski
NEWS RELEASE
EVER TOLD A TERRIBLE EX YOU WOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
CANADIAN LAWYER WROTE THAT BOOK.
January 18, 2008 – OTTAWA, CANADA – Today, Canadian lawyer Kent Glowinski, age 29, released his first book “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.
“Have you ever told a terrible ex that you would write a book about your relationship? This is that book. Rather than burn your bridges with exes, why not blow them to pieces?” stated Glowinski.
Through the over fifty poems set in various locations, including an IKEA store, under a Martha Stewart Duvet Cover, and at a murder-by-knitting-needle scene, Glowinski weaves together the story of a relationship gone horribly wrong – small battles over cups of tea, full-scale wars over an afternoon leek soup.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a book about falling in love with the unlovable: the arrogant, the self-centred and the narcissistic; and speaks not only in terms of the wreckage we leave behind when love implodes, but the different ways we couples communicate: through social class, different upbringings, values, and style of loving one another.
“This is the perfect Valentines day gift for an awful ex,” concluded Glowinski.
More information and book purchase can be made at http://www.narcissism.ca. Book will be in retail outlets/Amazon.com later in the month.
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For more information:
kent@narcissism.ca
http://www.narcissism.ca
I just found, I am married to a narcisist! This blog waked me up from my miserable 35 years marriage. Our intimate relation is limited to rubbing her back until my arms are in pain. But she is great in homework, cooking cleaning. But seems cold as ice! Our conversations always ends in a lecture from her on whatever subject, telling “facts” proving that she is right. I could write a book on how a narcisist behaves!
Thank you for your “wake up call”.